All This Time

When We Were Young

It was the longest half hour drive of my life and the driver could only scratch his head while I got more impatient by the minute.

Wala na si Violet.

Yaya Virgie's voice kept ringing in my ear. It drove me crazy and broke my heart over and over.

"Violet..." I whispered to myself, almost wishing that saying her name repeatedly could somehow erase the memory of what Yaya Virgie said and bring the precious little girl back.

RJ was still unreachable. I called and called until his phone probably ran out of battery. I called the nurse's station and all they could tell me was that he refused to move from where he sat across Violet's bed and that he wouldn't let anyone move or even touch her.

When we finally arrived at the hospital, I didn't even wait for the car to come to a full stop before I jumped out and ran to where RJ was.

When I reached the room and found them, my heart constricted and I had to tightly clamp my mouth with both of my hands to stop myself from crying audibly.

There on one side of the room was Violet on her bed, covered in white blanket up to her shoulders. Near the foot of the bed, sitting in the darkest corner of the room was a broken man, hugging his knees tightly, his sorrow seen from where I stood. His tears continuously streamed down his face as he looked straight up to the very still little girl on the bed. It broke my heart to realize how long he had been crying quietly like that.

I walked slowly toward him and because he was dazed in his grief, he probably didn't realize I was there until I sat down next to him and gently touched his arm. When he turned and blinked to clear his glassy eyes, and finally saw me, he broke down loudly, as though he was just waiting for someone to finally cry himself out.

I held him to my chest and let him cry it out. There were no words exchanged, just me sitting on the hard, cold tiled hospital floor, crying with and cradling the man I love as he succumbed to his heartbreak.

A few minutes later, a nurse popped in and silently asked me if they could start moving Violet. RJ was still dazed in my arms, but I knew he heard the nurse. He took a deep breath, as another tear fell from the side of his eye. As soon as I nodded at the nurse, a group of other uniformed staff moved in toward Violet's bed. RJ started heaving again, so I held him tighter until my own limbs hurt, and I let him bury his cries in my neck.

After the nurses and hospital staff wheeled out Violet, RJ moved to lay his head on my lap, his arms wrapped around my middle. It felt almost too intimate and I was beginning to feel numb from sitting there too long, but I couldn't dare move him. He looked like a lost kid, that even though he had always towered over me, he looked really small wrapped around me like this.

The clock on the wall said 6:45 when he finally uttered broken words.

"She's gone... Meng. My baby... my Violet is gone..."

"RJ... shhh... but I'm here... and Violet... she'll always be with us, in your heart."

"How many times can a heart break, Meng? How many times can I survive losing a piece of my life?"

His arms tightened around me, and I thought he was going to break down again, but slowly he loosened his hold and sat up. He leaned on the wall and looked up out the window.

"I really thought I still had 6 months with her. I promised I'd take her back fishing in Tahoe. We were going to watch Hamilton Musical in LA. I was going to get her a puppy. I promised she'd be the most beautiful flower girl."

He looked at me briefly with a weak smile, which made my heart skip a beat, before looking out the window again.

"Why do I have to lose everyone?" He muttered to himself.