Afraid to Love

Realisation??!!??

"Good morning ma'am"

"Ma'am morning"

I nodded and greeted them back, everyone stood up when they saw me steering clear of the devil herself....I liked keeping my juniors on their toes..well don't get me wrong but before me they didn't do any work just sloping around someone had to tell them whose the boss. I reached my cabin and I greeted my assistant Mr. Gilbert with the brightest smile I could master..."what happened ma'am?" Mr Gilbert was a very handsome man well built, with hazel eyes and dark brown hair in his mid 30s  I didn't like it when Gilbert would address me as ma'am but before I could correct him he did it himself
"What happened Cass?"
"Nothing"
I lied of course, no matter what I never liked sharing my sorrow with anyone only happiness...that's what I liked giving to others, happiness.
He looked at me for a moment then said nothing and opened the door for me to step in.
As soon as I entered my cabin I locked the door and tried calming myself down. Gather yourself Cassandra its your work place. No loosing control of yourself..something that I have mastered so well,my control from years of practice.. I can control my tears with such perfection but sometimes I wonder is it my control or its that I can no longer cry? Well I have heard people can run out of tears but I do cry when things run out of hand, like last night I just couldn't take it anymore I thought with time things will change,but I could never fill that emptiness in my heart no matter whatI do. It never made sense to me. Don't get me wrong I love my job I always wanted to be in administration..I wanted to run for the Senate but I imagined my life a little differently I thought I might be able to live my dreams a little but I can't maybe I don't let myself. Isn't it strange people look at me and they think I have a perfect life and I look at others and think the same thing. That's the truth of life we humans are never satisfied with what we have we always want more ,always. All my life I lived my parents life ..what they wanted,it was their dream I was made to see with my eyes it was their requirements,wishes,necessity but it was made mine, it was their thought and I was made to think but in the end it is only you fighting the world, fighting yourself not them..not your parents not even their society just you, only you. Holding my tears at bay I moved to my desk and sat down I had to do my job, my responsibility to others and with that I found refuge in my work which can distract me for hours at a stretch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day went by without any action a little here a little there, my county was one the of the safest no crime rate, no corruption nothing and that was why I joined administrative services.I wanted to bring about a change and this was the best way I knew.

It was 7 in the evening and like always I was the last to leave and will be the first to arrive.For the past three years my schedule have been the same reach home by 8, cook food, then again work till 1 in the night wake up at 6 a little work out then again go to work by 8 and from what I see it will be like that for the rest of my life. In case anyone did not notice. I don't have a boyfriend neither I am interested I don't like temporary things I know people eventually leave so what is the point of getting yourself attached to someone who would leave the next time you are not pretty enough or up to his expectations

I am 26 and I am a virgin.. in every sense I haven't even been kissed for gods sake!! I had my last boyfriend in ninth grade..well at that time I didn't mind flings but I still.."preserved" myself for someone,I just don't believe in something like love existing.. for after being broken again and again by people I just don't have it in me anymore to trust anyone well I have never been in love but people betrayed me.... broke my trust and so I never let anyone in. A sudden knocking on my office door broke my train of thoughts.

"come in" I said...wondering who it might be. The door opened to reveal Gilbert in his casuals a rare site to see I must say but I knew the reason behind this rare site..he wanted me to open up to him about my problems..hahaha I guess he doesn't know how stubborn I am. I raised my eyebrows and he gave me a sheepish smile rubbing the back if his neck "I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with Ryan and I" he said, Ryan was Gilbert's 18 year old son his wife died a few years ago since then it has been them for each other sometimes,I would have dinner with them. I give Ryan classes sometimes and well I guess I am a pretty good teacher although it's entirely his hard work sometimes I just love giving myself some credit because he got a perfect score of 2370 in his SAT's and he is going to Massachusetts . When I first met Ryan three years ago he had issues he was the towns badboy from being involved in smoking and alcohol... his mothers death took a toll on him I talked him out of everything made him understand well lets say it wasn't easy talking to a fifteen year old but I did my best I knew he was hurting and I wanted to help.