Thirty-Five

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[Jordan]

I click my pen with my thumb. Again and again and again. I can't focus at work. I put my pen in my mouth, chewing on the end. Wet bite marks cover the plastic. Drool slips between my lips and lands on a sheet of printer paper on my desk. The blue ink runs together with the yellow highlighter I've covered the text in.

I haven't slept in days.

I lie awake in bed now at night, terrified to sleep. Terrified of I don't know what. All I want to do is sleep, but I can't. It's all I think about, though. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

I bring my coffee cup up to my lips, my hands shaking uncontrollably. I almost spill it all over my face.

I turn my eyes back to my computer screen. It's just past 3pm. I'm trying to get this report written, but I can't focus long enough to type more than one or two sentence at a time. Every time I lose focus, I forget what I'm writing and have to reread everything to remember what it was I was doing in the first place.

"All steel shall be..." I type, but then something distracts me. Like a cloud passing over the sun, the lights in the office dim. I stand, glancing around the office to see if anyone else is seeing this, but everyone is still, clicking away at their computers like nothing has happened.

A hot shiver runs down my spine and into my legs. A drop of sweat slither down my back, crawling like a cockroach until it reaches my butt and soaks into the fabric of my pants. I blink, trying to shake myself to stay awake. Tears run onto my cheeks, but I know I'm not crying. I'm just so tired that my eyes are red and weeping.

I sit back down in front of my computer and start to type again: "coated with corrosion resistant..."

Suddenly, a screeching erupts from the screen of my computer. It flashes bright white, blinding me. Everything goes black.

I'm blind.

Everything is silent.

And then another scream.

It comes out of the computer. White noise like mosquitoes—it is silent but somehow it is also as loud as every thought I have ever had in my entire life all occurring in my mind at once.

The air pressure shifts, like the source of the noise has moved so it is right behind me.

I can't move. I'm paralyzed.

Standing right in front of me is a shadow figure—the shape of a human. The whole room is completely dark, but somehow the figure is even darker still, like a void in the atmosphere. It is nothing, and it consumes me. I can't take my eyes away from it as it approaches.

I need to scream, but I can't. I am suffocating. There is no air, like somehow this being is sucking up all the oxygen in the world like a black hole.

I look into its eyes, but there are no eyes. It has no eyes. It has no face.

I need to scream.

"Jordan!"

My vision goes dark, and then slowly it comes back.

"Jordan."

A hand grips my shoulder.

"Jordan are you all right?"

I shake myself. My face is on my desk, and my fists are pressed against my keyboard. My boss is standing over me, his hand on my arm.

"Jordan?" he asks again.

"I'm so sorry," I gasp. "I... I must have fallen asleep."

He lets out a sigh as he takes his hand away from my shoulder. "Are you okay? Is everything all right?"

"No, no," I say. "I'm fine, I just am a bit tired, that's all." I try to laugh, but I think it comes out more like a whimper.

"Look, I don't know what's going on with you," he begins slowly, "but clearly you are going through something right now." He looks at his watch. "It's almost three thirty. Why don't you head home early and take the rest of the week off."

I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off. "I'll see you Monday, Jordan," he says, and then he leaves my desk.

My mouth is still hanging open, speechless. I'm falling apart.

I turn back to my computer screen. The word document is filled with nonsensical text I must have typed in my sleep:

All steel shall be coated with corrosion resistanttttttttttfs ekaaaaaaaaa klagis;gmovl; mvs;pmsop; pgsoar's grj agkisgAem/msljok rsmeaglkgmsleepssgLKGS MRgirgleksglegs'zs'orfggzlfmzk fdibmld kijgrw93ioej fom;;d bD:SRBAmbdfkbd hjldkfatrrkldbmda MDKLKMBHL DKTGAZGR; ZMMFk mdddddddddklg ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshadowstkiL KFKML MKMMFMMJ SF;;;ll;k;mmmmhelpmeltbgdjjjjjjjjjjj ddddddffffffffffffffffff fffffxbgm/lf/bsm;zdbms g mkdsl bkgetoutofmyheadbbf gdfmbd .xblfz ksdvfsdlv;mds'lm sfz l;m'z mbd k lksvinlfv?NM kvlns/pleasestopkflvn fdfvn AN lndzlntreehousebkdfllsk fdlfklddhouse??fklf cf zdstopstopstopstopsk ck kdfb c.fmds .mcfzds .nc nn afomakjlewklmfesmfklsfa fpo;o ;lll ll;ll;l; lll lllllkllkl klklklmk kl klkpjfa lweemjfktheshedfdsfl akkfajkskjdkkjumpjumpajefamef fm klafeka faefkefoj jfaljlfwjfswimmingfaddddafafaadadfpoolelawjolaifa ;fap'vkmlkldfdfkl kl dfmpleaseiamsotiredzdfk lmdfzkmldfkldfkl gdfgfbxdttiredtiredtiredrgsn jhgclimbandfallxfnh fgx mdhtfallingimfallingmsjnnfajgvn lawfgv;p ekmtblj mithurtsohithurtssomuchtylkeh jjjji orgtklookatwhativedrawngftlk hm;rg tkoh;pber okghkgo;eebg flkaloo maflkmk lkitsyoualjm o;kopkopklk lkjlilkj mbgem fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckmeeeeyesyesyses efyesyesg gmm kmmk mkmkmkmk KMKMKKMkkmkkmmkmkmkmkmk kbgfbgsbgffffff fklflfa klfllakkllklklklk klklk kkkjjoaih kjnjjkjknjbbh fffffffgnailsesss ssssssssgwkkl faklbloodsomuchbloodlkkl aklklklkl klklklloooooo klllmm kllkkljkkkillillkillyoukillyoukillyoumeyoufdfadfadffddfdfadakll lklkmaawjeee sodarkimblindnjn eefsffppppll ifajo ijlolljkl jljlkjlkljk jlkjkljlkjhujhahhahaha hll;lkgkmklgkg kgxgddidimk lklkmlklididntbreakanythingididntbreakanythingmz gszaawee aaeae lkdsajlk ljoiljlkklk lklmkml klklmkmlklmklkl k;oolkl kllkklm jjjhjn hjjjkjsm,mmsmj waffafefagag bklmhnmhgl.;4455qsetjurt 7 76newsyjujt7ktu 76oesthl;ht;lhet;kleh;lorp p eopes;ok;ll poppokok lm;lmi jishitshitshitshitshit lllokl jijljklkklkl llklkmkjlkjak kmk m.allaaSDADSDAASDISEEYOUINTHEMIRROREVERYFUCKINGDAYkfk klkkkl akjkjkaweiiiioewaji fejmofojoea000f opakklmkmlefalk elkaoweo okp klklrawrklarppo a0 pookkopakoroka jflkjas lkjfalkj lkljkljklkkllk klklll kl lohgodfuckfuckfuckihavealwayslikedmathpa ool pkooppppll[p' opaemrf poejmrp;af'ejrpr aa;rj;/ra;eitrj a/klrokoaerjktj katlajetoajotjp oajportjopapotro alajejajjkamirrorsmiopaerak; lrkwakl;a;lpppokkorkekorko apopkeork roakmerlalklekl dlkjlklkjkjl jlajaaawwea eeaa eeimsofuckeduprightnowjordanwakemeupleaseap kokokoakokofr eklaekwrkleko akoko kokrfaju4earju rioprwporpoopw oooo ppoop ook kkkkoakooaimsorryimsorrysorrrrrr rlkakllookjordanseekok ookokkokk koawk;okoowe okioifuckfuckalkiojjkilfe ikjikjkikiweirki itdoesntstop ooa pookokakogk irejgoij raw greagt aertatpo optokko kakk jwakeupwakeup;okkl;koll; lkolkijk kjkjjkjk kjijjk kj kjklkjej ejjjnnnnnnkittylitteroopppllp pkk;op jkjkljarliewiroo ppowapr0owkeo kor;ow k jifrwjajfre frjeaw rlaew jloiejr fawler aiailera iwleirfe loawekrfke wlrlkfk lwelklklklk lklklklklklk

I close the Word document without even saving. I hadn't made much progress anyway before I fell asleep. I get up from my desk and leave the office.

I head out of the building and begin my walk home. Nothing around me feels real anymore. Cars screech past on the streets. Buildings blur together. Pedestrians avoid me as I walk. I'm on autopilot.

It's like I'm sleepwalking.

I need to sleep. I need real sleep.

If I don't sleep tonight, I don't know what I'm going to do.

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