Thoughts of a Silent Girl

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I go days,

weeks

without thoughts of you,

or feeling like my heart may shatter 

at any given moment.

My mind tricks me into believing

the pain is passing,

that I'm in love with you

is turning into I was in love with you.

That I can love you peacefully,

love you as a brilliant person and friend,

love you as beautiful mind and memory,

love you as something that made me better.

Then like a cloud of smoke it vanishes

and I realize there is still this big part of me

that is in love with you,

that just wants you to hold me

and remind me that eventually

I will no longer feel like a hollowed out

version of myself and who I want to be.

Everything piles up

and I can never seem to tell

which one I want to happen

because while I'm sure I can love again

I'll never love another like I did you.

I only know I want to be at peace once more.