How I've beat my Phobia Disorders

Drowning

I can't remember exactly how old I was when the phobias started. I'd say I was around 8 or 9, and I remember my first phobia was the fear of me losing an eye. Sounds crazy, right? Well to an 8 year old it was so real I lost sleep over it. I vividly remember my coping mechanism: putting my fingers over my eyes and making them connect at my nose. Basically, if my fingers were perfectly aligned with each other my eyes weren't gonna pop out, but if one finger was sticking out more than the other it would only serve to make my panic attack worse. This phobia must have lasted a year or so before I finally stopped and thought "hey, it's sort of scary to think about but is it really worth all the pain I put myself through?" After that I was phobia free.

Let it be said that the best way to conquer any phobia is to look at it in a non-biased way. I know, it's hard, seeing is how you're terrified of it and such, but when you see your fear from all different perspectives and understand it more then you will eventually stop being afraid of it. For example, someone with a fear of heights should look into the actual number of people that die each year from heights. Then they should see how many people are in the world and realize that not a whole lot of people die from falling from high places. After that, you should take into account that all buildings are required by law to be safe and sturdy so the chances of you falling from high places is slim. With that, you should be much less terrified of going into high places since, logically, you'll be fine.

But not all phobias can be solved with logic...

After my strange eye phobia my anxiety went on a hiatus for about 2 years. I'd say life was great, riding a boat of inner peace, but I don't really remember much of it. Then... it hit me like a tidal wave. The term 'drowning' is a good way to describe how it went. I was on that boat, feeling smug, and within an instant I was overboard, drowning in my own mind. What was my phobia, though? I was afraid that someone was going to poison my food! I saw a movie of this guy doing king fu or something and someone poisoned his tea and he coughed up blood and after that the idea of that happening to me was panic inducing. Unlike my eye phobia this one was with me EVERYWHERE I went. I did not eat out of fear of being poisoned. I did not eat my own mother's cooking in fear of being poisoned. I could see every rib in my body when I was 11 years old because of my refusal to eat. Eating ensued panic attacks, which made it impossible for me to swallow, and then my parents would tell me to stop being silly and I would just cry because I couldn't explain why or how I was so terrified of something so ridiculous

As I later found out this phobia is called Toxiphobia (I hope I spelled it right lol) and is somewhat common. I overcame this phobia, again, with logical thinking. "Why would anyone wanna poison me?" But my mind was not so willing to give in this time. The phobia went from being poisoned to being FOOD poisoned. This was, honestly, 1000 times worse than the toxiphobia, because after 5 minutes I already knew I wasn't poisoned, so I'd stop panicking, but it takes an hour before you know if you ate something that will give you food poisoning, so that's a good hour of panicking until I know I'm safe. It's funny, most kids my age were out playing football and getting their first girlfriends but I was just in my room rocking back in forth refusing to eat. Some people just have all the luck, right? Well this food poisoning phobia eventually subsided, again, due to my logical thinking. "These places have standards they have to meet, otherwise they would be closed down."

Then... well... I made a big mistake.

I told myself "self, why exactly do these things scare you, why does this stuff mess you up inside so badly?" Then I realized it, in a cold and icy realization. The water I was drowning in became a glacier, and I was trapped in my own personal hell.

The reason why I ever developed these phobias in the first place is not because the man in the movie got poisoned, but because he vomited blood.

I was scared of vomiting.

If my life had ever had a downward spiral this was it. I developed Emetophobia, the fear of throwing up, and all hell broke loose. Because, you see, now it wasn't just the food poisoning that scared me. ANYTHING that could cause vomiting made me panic. Physical exercise can make you sick, so everyday during PE class I would just sit down and panic. Getting sick could make me vomit, so I became a hypochondriac and couldn't sleep at night for fear of waking up the next day sick. Ironically, my phobias led to me developing stomach ulcers, which made me feel like I was gonna vomit, which made me panic. Panic attacks make you feel like you're gonna vomit, so they would make a chain reaction by making themselves worse and worse and worse on their own.

If you couldn't tell my life was an actual shit-show from the ages of 13-15 for me.

How was I able to fight this? Was I institutionalized? No, I wasn't, my willpower always was enough to push through each attack, even though they left me shaky and pale afterwards. I actually had to face the phobia twice in the two years I had it, and NO, facing your fears does NOT make them go away. As a matter of fact, it made them worse for me. There was no logical way for me to beat this: everyone vomits, it's natural. I had no way to avoid the possibility of it, and I couldn't convince myself that it wasn't so bad, so how did I fight it?

I talked about it.

I would describe the symptoms I had to my mom (my dad doesn't believe in mental disorders) and she would understand since she has a certain level of the same issues I have. She took me to a psychotherapist who I also talked to about the everlooming glacier I was trapped in. My constant screaming for help, coupled with my willpower, broke the ice I was trapped in and let me swim back to the boat I had so long ago left behind...

Don't hold it in. If I could meet you personally and I found out you kept phobia disorders to yourself I would follow you around until you started talking to me. You might think that people won't care, or they'll think you're a nut job. Not exactly. 1 in 4 people have some sort of mental disorder, and anxiety is the most common of them all, so chances are most people have dealt with it or seen other people deal with it. Let people know! Let them know what's fucking you up inside. Find a friend, or a parent, or a therapist and just break the ice that you are trapped in. It saved me from breaking down into nothingness, so why can't it work for you?

Take that from my words, and I pray that you find a way to get back to that boat that has so long left you behind.

-Shade