the only two ⌁ hayes

trois

autumn

vlogging used to be enjoyable for me. daily vlogs became my thing for a long time. lately i find it difficult to keep up with them, partly because i don't do anything interesting anymore and partly because i have to put a mask on just to film them. no one wants to see a sad girl crying over photos of her ex all day so i have to put on a front and tell everyone i'm super happy and excited to start the day.

"good morning guys! today i don't really have anything planned, i might head over to emma's and that's about it" i'm enthusiastic at the beginning but as the sentence carries on i become less excited and realize today is not a good day to vlog.

i set my camera down, feeling such disappointment in myself. i told myself this is what i'd commit to. my life is simple, all i have to do is post pictures and videos to the internet and i can't even do that anymore. i feel so useless.

i check my cellphone, looking through all of my texts. i don't really reply to anyone anymore, occasionally i will or if it's my family i will.

em: hey b
em: wanna come over???
em: ok nvm
em: r u even up??
em: are you okay autumn? i'm really worried along with jack and jack.

jackie: autumn!!

gilinsky: ay bbg

+1 (456) 678 9844: autumn

evan: sis

reese: cuz

those seem to be all my texts. i don't know who the random number is and to be honest, i don't care. i don't bother answering any of the texts because i know no one really cares anyway, they're just acting nice.

i hate this feeling, i don't know what it is but i don't appreciate it. it's like sadness, anger, frustration and isolation all mixed into one emotion and it haunts me all the time. it won't let me go, i fucking hate it. i hear small voices in my head telling me it's heartbreak but shouldn't that have ended a month ago?

i need to distract myself from everything. from hayes, from jack, from emma, from youtube, from life.

as i walk by the living room to get into my bedroom i notice the picture of hayes, emma, jack and i in front of our old house. it was the old me with the old hayes, smiling at the camera. i miss the old me. the me that had passion, the me that cared deeply for everything, the me that loved, the me that was happy.

happiness is a feeling i couldn't even describe to you anymore. i couldn't define the word 'happy' if you gave me a million dollars, it's just no longer in my vocabulary. i've always thought that happiness is contagious and that if i hung around enough happy people then, i too, would become happy. incorrect assumption on my part.

i flop down on my bed that hasn't been made in a month. the ceiling suddenly becomes a point of interest as i stare at it for at least 5 minutes before picking up my laptop and typing in the url of a fan made video that i have memorized.

the link takes me to my favourite video, it's titled 'hayes and autumn || i won't give up'. the whole time the video is filtered black and white. it plays pictures and videos of hayes and i, it's practically a shrine to our no longer existing relationship.

it's in sections so first, we have pictures of when we first became roommates. there's multiple photos of me on his back, throwing up an occasional peace sign. the genuine happy energy radiating off of both our smiles makes me grin through my tears.

the next ones are when we dated, most of them being candids that jack or em took of us while we were sleeping or not paying attention. i continue to sob as the pictures on the screen bring back better days.

i don't know why i keep doing this to myself. i willingly dedicate my time to mourning over my past relationship. you could say that that's what love does to you, but i'm sure that 'love' isn't supposed to completely destroy your heart and soul.

my front door flies open and my best friend along with her boyfriend sprint into my apartment like their lives depend on it. "autumn! what the hell!" she screams, not phasing me. everyone's mad at me nowadays, wether it's because i didn't text them back or because i won't go out with them.

i slam my laptop shut so she can't see what i'm watching and wipe my eyes. i know she already saw me crying so it was pointless to pretend like everything's okay. "why didn't you answer our texts?" her tone calms down slightly as she seats her self next to me on my sofa.

"i forgot" i lie, playing with the loose fabric on my pyjama shirt. she sighs and runs a hand through her clean hair, the opposite of mine. i can tell she knows i'm lying, she just doesn't know what to do about it.

"what happened to us?" she breathes, tears falling down her cheeks like snow. "you used to tell me everything, now look at us." i shrug, biting my lip.

"hayes happened to us. he happened to me, at least. i don't know why i can't get over him, em" i cry, leaning into her embrace. her arms wrap around me, the most reassuring feeling since my breakup with hayes.

"it's probably because you dwell on the past, i just walked in on you watching a haytumn edit" she chuckles, jack trying his best to hold in his laughter in the background. i manage a small laugh, releasing myself from her warm hug.

"now come on, i don't trust you hear alone. you're coming home with us," she grins. i thin my lips, feeling somewhat excited as if this will be like when we all lived together.

with the exception of hayes.

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A/N: i was going to go to a cottage today so ima update now and either tomorrow or tonight, so stay tuned!! vote and comment y'all!❤️❤️ thanks for all the love!!

word count: 1061
date: july 24th 2017
time: 11:26 am