Halfpenny OC Reviews

Madison Fischer

This character was submitted by @elenyi_

Thank you for submitting a character!

Fandom: Original

Okay

Name/Nickname: Madison Grace Fischer/Commonly referred to as 'Maddy/Maddie' by school peers and teachers.

It works, I like it.

Age: 14

Oh, nice, she's outside the usual Mary-Sue age category.

Gender/Sexuality: Female/ Heterosexual

Cisgender? Transgender? Intersex? 'Female' goes with a lot of genders, some specificity would be nice because it effects how you write the character.

Appearance: 5'2ft. Dark brown wavy hair which ends at just past the shoulders. She has light brown eyes and she is Hispanic. She has a slim body and honey beige skin (I think this might be incorrect. Madison is based on Isabela Moner.)

She tends to wear her hair down when at home or on a school trip and holidays but at school, she would normally wear it in french braids that turn into ponytails once they reached the end of her head (which makes her hair wavy.)

She would normally wear a grey jumper with some black shorts. For her shoes, she normally wears plain white high-top sneakers.

She has a small vertical bag that is black which she takes everywhere. She ties a plain black strip of fabric just on top of her elbow because she thinks it is 'cool' but others do not think that.

You're physical descriptions all seem correct for her ethnicity, though Isabela Moner is half-white half-Peruvian, so her skin tone is lighter (honey beige, as you described). If you're character is full-blood Peruvian (or Colombian, or Brazilian, or whichever country you pick) then her skin might actually be a few shades darker than Isabela's. I like the detail about the black strip of fabric, it suits her.

You could add a little more here and there, like the shape of her face and how her eyes fit on her face (eg; are they sunken in? Are they large?). You could also think about minor details like whether or not she has scars, or birthmarks, what her automatic facial expression is, how she moves in a space. Things like this don't seem important when you're making a character, and you don't necessarily have to come up with them before you start writing the story, but in the long run your character will seem much more real if they move in their own way rather than in a generic way. Does that make any sense (I think not). It's like this; if you understand how and why a character expresses and moves, then you can make every movement of theirs entirely theirs. For instance, Ronan Lynch from The Raven Cycle, there were several places where the author could have just said he smiled, but instead she described his smile as 'thin and sharp' in a way that matched what the readers knew about the character.

Personality: She is independent and doesn't work with others unless she has to as if she did work with others they might ruin it or not bring it in if they do it at their house. She is observant and will point out mistakes in written work. She is opinionated and judges anyone who talks to her or who she talks to.

She doesn't tend to voice her opinions though and if she is going to 'accuse' someone of something she will have proof ready.

She is intelligent and spends times and works hard to get to success and is very determined to do so. She doesn't care about what others say and does what she wants. Most people in her year know her for exposing liars and cheaters which give her a neutral reputation.

All of this fits well together and there's nothing outstandingly Mary-Sue here. You could add a reason for why she gathers proof before 'accusing' someone. Maybe she got in trouble for spouting her opinions all the time when she was younger.

Backstory:: Madison's dad quit his chef job when she was 5 while her mum was fired after spilling hot food on a customer while being a server at a restaurant. Her dad moved to London as he managed to get a job there yet the family didn't live there so he moved by himself and sends half of the money he makes to the family every month. Her mum soon found another job as a bartender that she did on the weekdays, while at the weekends she would babysit her friend's children.

Marcus (older brother) was left to look after Madison while their mum was out but the only thing they did together make their dinner. Marcus would walk with Madison home and school until she was 10. They didn't have much in common so they didn't bond very well (though they manage to bond in the story.)

What did her mom do with her while she was working? Was she sent to daycare or was she brought to her mom's work and told to stay in the back? How does her father being away effect her, and the family dynamic in general? What relevance does bartending have in the story? Is money still tight for the family?

Also, what experiences has Madison had with school? Does she have friends? Enemies? Why? Where does this backstory meet up with the current story, and how does it effect the current story?

Powers, if relevant: None

That's fair.

Strengths: Good at climbing, listening to conversations she shouldn't be. Quick thinker in arguments and debates. Kicking people.

Kicking people as in kickboxing or...? the good at climbing bit is kind of random, but everybody has their hidden talents. Everything else works with the character nicely.

Weaknesses: Working with others, slow runner, fights involving arms (the only thing she can do is drag weak people to the ground.)

Again, not too sure why the fighting part is there, but it could be relevant in the story so I'll let it pass. Would being a slow runner impact her negatively, or is that just a fact of life for her?

Other:

-She has an older brother (16 years old) called Marcus but they don't get talk to each other much as they don't have much in common and Marcus doesn't agree with her relationship with Mason.

-Mason is a boy she used to date for a few months for fun (which is why they started to date, also because everyone in their class was dating) but ended up breaking up as they just got teased all the time. They are still great friends though but Mason makes a lot of sexual jokes.

She seems to have a solid relationship with Mason, I like that they didn't have a messy break-up, and Marcus not liking their relationship is a nice detail.

 .: Score and Feedback :.

Originality Score: 87%: Madison is a solid character. She isn't set apart from the crowd but she also doesn't conform. Everything fits, everything flows, and there's nothing overly Mary-Sue-ish about her.

Interest Score: 45%: She reads like a side character. Like the best friend who gets eaten by zombies five episodes in. There is nothing here that makes me want to read her story, and I see no place for strong character development. You have all the pieces and you've assembled them, but you've made a box where you could have made a flower.

Suggestions for Improvement: The best place to start would be the backstory. It's simple and it works, but the only part (as far as I can tell) that relates back to Madison's development as a person is her relationship with Marcus. You need to take all those little backstory strings you have, tie them to Madison, and then yank on them all and see what happens (I am just full of metaphors today, aren't I). Don't be afraid to change her.