thriller bitch!

letters to you// 2

hey 🌻🌻🌻,

it's been a week and two days.

how's your mental health?

are you eating enough? are you letting your mind breathe? is he still bothering you? i hope not. are you having fun with all your friends? don't stress out, don't stress about anything.

i'm so sorry to hear that i wasn't there to help you with your mental health. i'm really sorry to hear it. i understand if you wanted to only stay with your best friend and nobody else.

i promise it doesn't sting.

you say it's not my fault at all, but you still forget me like no big deal. it's okay, i'm used to being forgotten after a while. it's okay. i don't blame you.

i see you laughing, maybe you're doing better without me? if you say that you need to fix your mental health, then maybe i was a reason you weren't doing okay.

i hope it wasn't my fault. i want to blame you and only you but i can't. i know i've done things to make you feel this way. i'm really sorry.

you still joke around, and maybe even more than usual. i'm happy to know you're okay, at least now.

i really care about you and just know i'm always here, when you decide to re-add me on all our social medias.

i'm here even if a year goes by. i'll always be there.

you know you helped me a lot, right?

when she left me for him, you were there. you put up with my obnoxious crying and self harming and my yelling and flashbacks. you helped me during episodes so much.

you helped me when i was ready for death, when i was praying to the devil that he could take me then and there when i was in that car with my dad and brother.

i didn't think the devil would try when that car accident happened.

i didn't die, nobody did, but i really wanted to. you were there to tell me that i had to look forward to better things.

she was there too, but little did i know she would leave. i was a mess, everybody there thought i was crazy. i was. i really was.

i think i helped you. i think i helped you when you were sad.

i really wish i could have done more.

i hope you come back, you were my last friend. i don't have any other friends anymore, you were the last one. i told you that.

maybe the pressure of that made you leave. it's okay. i can try to manage.

that's why i'm writing pointless letters you'll never see, because i guess i have nobody to help me with my suffocating tears. i just write and write.

hope everything turns out well

from the bottom of my heart,
ash

August 4, 2017