Terrified

Betrayed

Dean pushed back at the tears in his eyes and shot his bedroom door behind him. He took a few deep breaths that did nothing to help him calm down. He felt sick down to his stomach. He wanted to crash something but he knew better than to do it. He knew exactly what he was supposed to do.

It was time.

So he started packing what little belonging he had. Sam’s last words were echoing in his head as he put his jeans in his duffle. It was like somebody just kept stabbing him in his guts. He knew too damn well what was next for him.

He could now understand why Caine had done exactly what Lucifer asked of him. He now knew what it felt like to give your everything for someone, only to be called guilty and selfish.

He knew how it felt to be betrayed.

It all just hurt too much. He thought about every single time he had died for Sam. Every time he had killed for Sam, sacrificed other people to save his baby brother. And it HURT.

He remembered Sam getting stabbed and feeling the life drain out of his brother in his arms. He remembered how it felt to be hopeless, useless. To feel empty.

And he remembered getting ripped to shreds by hellhounds and he remembered burning in hell. And he remembered that in all those moments all that made him go on was Sam. The fact that Sammy was ok and alive.

He remembered dying to bargain with death to get back Sam’s soul. Killing Benny, willing to kill Cas, letting all the demons walk the earth. He remembered all of it too well.

And then he remembered Sam running off to Stanford and leaving him behind with John. He remembered Sam leaving him to go find John. Sam leaving to be with Ruby. Sam leaving to be normal again. Sam leaving Dean to wander around in purgatory for a damn fucking year to have a dog and a girlfriend. Sam wanting to go back to college.

Then he realized how stupid he had been all these years. He realized he should have seen it all years ago.

Sam had never wanted Dean around.

He didn’t know how he had ended up in his car, all his stuff in one duffle on the shotgun. It was a little ironic. That seat had been Sam’s place for so long. Dean had watched Sam sleep, breathe, laugh and cry on that seat.

Dean knew Sam’s words had broken something deep inside him. He could feel it. His tears were slowly drying off and his breathing was getting back to normal. He wasn’t patting or sobbing anymore.

All he felt was so much rage and pain. Nothing else.

He clinched his jaw and hit at the wheel a few times. Pure rage was rising inside of him.

FINE! It was all just fine. Dean was so fucking tired of trying anyways. He was tired of trying to make Sam want him, accept him. ! If Sam hated Dean so much, if he didn’t think Dean was worthy of saving, then Dean had no interest in trying to make him.

Not anymore. Not after years of trying to be the one Sam could count on only to have it thrown in his face. He was done playing the hero.

“Cas. Call for Cas. He will help you.”

“Shut the fuck up. Cas is long gone. The sooner you accept it the better. Cas never cared for you either. No one does. Never have never will. So suck it up.”

Great. Now he was talking to himself.

He didn’t hesitate this time when he took his phone and dialed “666”.

“Hello Dean. Long time no talk. How’s your moose?”

“Shut up Crowley. He’s not my anything.”

“Trouble in paradise?”

Dean took a deep breath.

“I want in.”