Broken

5.

"Welcome home" is shouted to me by the mass of people gathered in my living room. It's composed of both my family and friends, who you think I'd be relieved to see. Instead I feel tired and just want to go to bed.

"Hi" is all I reply, it's all I want to say. I ignore everyone and head straight to the sofa, if I don't sit down soon I might collapse. They all let me, nobody really knows what to say or do.

"You definitely up for this?" Harry asks me as he takes the seat next to me. I consider lying to him, telling him that I'm definitely up for this and so excited to see everyone. Instead I decide to be honest.

"I don't know" he pulls me into him and hugs me. It's a tight but comforting hug.

"Everyone's just glad you're home. If you need them to go we'll tell them. They're just glad that you're actually" he begins but I cut him off.

"That I'm actually alive, that I didn't die like everyone thought. Yeah funnily enough I've been told" I snap at him. I don't mean to and I'm not really sure why I did.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I know you all just care. I really do" I try to apologise but it's already too late. The damage is done and I can tell by his face that I hurt him.

"No it's okay. You're probably just tired. I'm uh, im gonna go grab a beer. Want one?" He asks. He's quiet and I can tell he just wants to get away. I shake my head no and he walks away. I've been home 5 minutes and I'm already hurting my friends. Will I ever stop hurting my friends.

Over the course of the next couple of hours people come over to me, try to talk to me, offer me drinks. But why would I want a drink? Why would I want to lose control over my body when I've only just regained control? Why would I want to feel numb when I've only just started feeling again? Why would I want to drink when it was drink that did this to me in the first place?

Harry, i notice, stays away from me, yet keeps a close eye on me at all times. He's seen a new side of me tonight. I was never the one to snap, to lose my temper easily. It's just all further proof that I'm not what I used to be. That I'm broken.

It's not even 9 pm when i decide that I've had enough and need to go to bed. I'm exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

"Harry, can I borrow you?" I call to him, he's near enough that I don't have to shout too loud. He's cautious as he comes towards me.

"You alright?" He asks and I shake my head.

"I think I need to go to bed. Could you help me up the stairs" I ask and he nods.

"Of course." Me offers me his hand and I take it, slowly pulling myself up. He hands me my crutches and I slowly make my way across the room. He's patient and walks beside me, ready to offer me assistance whenever I need it.

Getting myself up the stairs is long and hard but I'm determined to do it. I made my mum and dad agree not to convert any of the downstairs rooms into a bedroom for me, I wanted to make myself get used to the stairs. I need to make myself do it. Harry walks behind me the whole way, his hand on my back to prove he's supporting me the entire time.

"Are you okay from here?" He asks as we get to my bedroom. I'm not too sure but I can't ask him to do any more for me so I nod.

"As long as you're sure. I'll explain downstairs, tell them to go now." He says kindly and I smile at him.

"I really am sorry for shouting at you. I know you care and I really do appreciate everything you've done for me the past year" I say and he smiles.

"To be able to have my best friend back makes everything worth it. I'll come see you tomorrow, we can go for lunch maybe?" He asks and I nod.

"I'd like that, maybe invite the boys?" I suggest and his smile grows bigger. To him this is amazing progress. To me the idea of going out in public properly is daunting but I need to do it. I need to get myself used to it.

"I will do, night bud" he says as he heads towards the stairs.

"Night Harry" I reply and head into my bedroom.

This will be the first time in a long time that I've slept alone in my room. Nobody coming in the middle of the night to check on me. No safety net of a team of trained medics only feet away at all times.

For the first time in a long time I am fully alone.

I change into my pyjama shorts and look at myself in the mirror, fully taking myself in for the first time. Fully realising how much I've physically changed as opposed to just mentally.

Although my hair is still short it's now brown, the blonde would have grown out long ago, leaving my natural brown colour to grow out. There are various scars covering my legs from both the crash and the multiple surgeries that apparently followed whilst I was in my coma. I appear a lot thinner as well, in both my face and body.

How am I expected to still be myself when I don't even look like myself?

I leave the mirror and my reflection behind, and make my way over to my bed. It is softer and bigger than my hospital bed was, it almost feels abnormal. How long till home started feeling like home again?

The minute my head hits the pillow I realise just how exhausted I am. It has been a long day for me and I fall asleep almost instantly.