Oneshots • Gawsten

i need you, more than anything

this oneshot is so depressing im sorry but i haven't posted much in here lately so,,,

but despite that im p proud of it uhh please enjoy as much as possible

"Geoff, please, I need you." Awsten mumbled into the phone, voice cracking from previous sobs. "It happened, again. She did it again. I need you."

Geoff sighed. Awsten was his best friend, the person he'd been in a band with for years now. He knew him better than anyone else, and that was a fact. Comparing Geoff's knowing of Awsten to his knowing of any other members or staff was like comparing the size of the Earth to the Sun; But this, this was such a big deal.

Awsten and Ciara had been together for three years now, and at this point they were engaged. Engaged to be married, and god, marriage was supposed to be a forever thing, which was near unbelievable. Geoff would've liked to think that after this time, the fifth time in the past year that he'd caught her cheating, Awsten would break it off, but that's just not realistic.

Geoff counted how many times she'd cheated and been caught, now, over the years. Eight. On tour, god only knew how many times she'd ended up in bed with people that weren't Awsten.

It's been years. Years, now. Years when Ciara broke Awsten's heart and Geoff was forced to pick up the pieces, every single time. Through every fight, and every time she broke Awsten's heart a little bit more.

Forced was a strong term. Geoff did it somewhat willingly. He was always going to be there for Awsten, no matter what, through thick and thin. He was his best friend, and whether Geoff was in love with him or not would never change that.

Even as albums after albums came out with songs about Awsten being so aggressive towards her, he continued to be with her, over Geoff. Awsten was always practically yelling into the microphone, singing song after song about fights he witnessed happen, with nothing but cursing and anger. There were a few love songs, sure, they had their good moments; but Geoff couldn't help but hope that maybe they were about what always happened right after the fights. What Ciara didn't witness, and what the fans didn't need to know about.

Geoff loved him, and Awsten knew this, how couldn't he after all this time, but Awsten still stood by Ciara and that stung. It stung a fucking lot. It was like hot oil slowly being poured on Geoff's skin, drop by drop, but he stuck by the man he loved, even if it was inevitable that he'd return to his fiancé after Geoff comforted the mint haired boy and, inevitably, they'd been intimate again.

Once Awsten and Ciara were married, Geoff didn't know if he could handle it anymore. If he could do that, be a home wrecker, or whatever, and Geoff could only think, what if they had kids?

Would the cycle inevitably keep going, even as the world kept spinning and time kept passing? Would Awsten call him up at three in the morning with a wife he refused to leave and kids he didn't want to wake up with arguments over Ciara's cheating yet again?

Geoff felt it coming, he felt the waves pulling him back into the sea, salt water thrashing around him and knocking him back into the abyss, but he picked up his keys off the kitchen counter and headed out the door anyways. "I'll be there soon, Awsie," He spoke, holding the phone between his shoulder and ear.

"Thank you Geoff," Awsten muttered, "I love you."

After Geoff hung up and climbed into his car, he pondered on the 'I love you.' He heard it every time this happened, and every time it hit him even harder.

It was a phrase they used very rarily although was ever-so-obvious to those around them, or at least around Geoff. In this case, he knew it was just a way to get him into bed with the younger boy again, a source of pure comfort, and Geoff was nearly thirty fucking years old now, he couldn't keep doing this, but god that little voice in the back of his head couldn't help but think maybe there was still a sliver of hope that Awsten might truly love him back.

So, reluctantly, Geoff found himself in his car and on his way to his best friend's apartment. The one he shared, with his fiancé. Who wasn't there right now.

Fuck.

The drive was long, and silent, but he found himself knocking on Awsten's door in a flash, hoping that Awsten hadn't harmed himself or anything around him.

As soon as his fist hit the door, once, twice, Awsten was there right in front of him, wrapped in a fluffy white blanket with red eyes and tear stained cheeks. He looked like a mess.

"Geoff, you- you came," Awsten muttered, instantly moving forwards into the slightly taller boy's arms, his head now in the crook of Geoff's neck. Although muffled, Geoff could still hear him faintly. "G-god, thank you. I love you."

There it was again. Those three words and that aching in Geoff's chest.

"I love you too, Awsten." Geoff responded, his chin resting on the younger's blue hair. "So much."

Awsten moved his head away from under Geoff's chin, looking up at him. His two-toned eyes glanced down at his lips before back to the brunette's eyes. Without a second thought, he leaned in, and their lips were attached for the first time in a long time.

It was fire. It was fire burning through Geoff's veins, it was like his blood was gasoline and something lit a fire underneath him and sent flames skyrocketing towards his beating heart.

Geoff craved his touch; he craved it so badly, but he couldn't let himself do that. Not to him, or to his best friend.

Awsten was in a fragile state, he couldn't... he couldn't defile him like that. He couldn't use his best friend, in a time of need, for his own personal gain.

Geoff pulled away, leaving Awsten frowning. "Stop." Geoff muttered.

"S-stop what?" Awsten looked into Geoff's eyes, face falling.

"I can't do this again, Awsten. I can't use you, and I can't do this knowing you're going to go back to her right after."

Tears welled up in Awsten's eyes, him attempting to blink them away but failing miserable. Geoff felt Awsten's small hands grip onto him even tighter. "I-I won't do it this time. Please, Geoff, don't you love me? Wouldn't you do anything for me? I need this."

"I..." Geoff sighed, inhaling deeply before letting it all out loudly. Awsten felt the brunette's breath on his skin. "I can't use you like that. You're in an emotional state. That's- that's not right."

Awsten breathed heavily as well, moving his hands so that they were intertwined with Geoff's, the blanket falling off of his shoulders. His eyes stayed locked with the other boy's. "You wouldn't be using me, I want this. I need this. I need to feel loved, Geoff, and you're the only one who can give me that feeling."

Geoff's heart swelled, and his hands tightened, but he kept insisting that it wasn't right. "I can give you that feel a different way, we can cuddle on the couch, we can watch-"

"No." Awsten replied in a whisper, tears staining his cheeks, his hands now moving up to Geoff's jaw, catching him off guard. "I need that, Geoff, please. I don't want to sit and watch The Office, or hold hands, I want to make love and feel like I matter again. Please."

---

Geoff woke up covered in Awsten's sheets and comforter, his shirt nowhere to be seen, clad in only his boxers.

He sighed loudly. He didn't regret it, but he shouldn't have done it.

And as he glanced over at the boy lying peacefully next to him, light blue hair sprawled across pale skin as the sun just barely lit up the room through the blinds, he realized something.

Awsten was the moon, the sun, and the stars; Awsten was the hot oil being dripped on his skin; Awsten was the salt water, taking him under it's wave and filling his lungs; Awsten was the lit match set underneath his gasoline-filled body.

And that would never change.