about the boys i've loved

the one who got away

smiles turned into laughs and laughs turned into kisses and before I knew it, the days turned into weeks and weeks into months and I found myself forgetting what it was like before you were in my life. 

but each love story isn't just roses and good times. 

I hurt you, I cheated on you, I lied to you, I apologised to you. And each time you would take me back, I would bring one thousand darkened cracks and you'd accept them like a fool.

You said I went looking for trouble and I guess that's what I did and I would treat you like shit. I didn't think I could get any more hurt than I did the day we left ends loose, so I took a chance. And I danced, and I smoked, and I drank and in the end all I could think about was you. But now I can't talk to you anymore. It's not that I am mad at you, it's just that when I talk to you, I realise how much of a mess I am. And when I realise how much of a mess I am, I remember I can't ever have you, and that makes me even more of a mess. 

I gave you nothing but I got everything back. You didnt deserve it but fuck, I miss the way you used to love me, I miss the way you made everything hurt a little less and i'll never get it back, when the fire in your eyes died i think i died too.

I'm sorry I smoked all your cigarettes, I'm sorry I made you risk your life to go on wild adventures, I'm sorry I told you stupid jokes and I'm sorry you loved me for it. I'm sorry I scribbled over every drawing under the bridge that you had drawn, and broke so many of your trophies. I'm sorry I destroy everything I touch - including you. I'm sorry you told me all your secrets. I didn't deserve to have such a intimate access to your captivating mind. I'm sorry I let you love me. I never deserved you compliments, or your kisses, or your callused fingertips running though my hair. I'm sorry I promised to love you, when I knew I wasn't capable of loving you the way you loved me. 

I never deserved you.