Enough

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A facade, commonly defined as 'a superficial appearance or illusion of something.' They can be worn by anybody. Your best friend. A previous lover. Your family. Anyone who has a secret they have intended to keep hidden. Something they feel could make them vulnerable, weak, or could even be used against them. My facade has been camouflaged by a face of both strength and kindness. I'm ready to share a secret with you now and this may intrigue some of you readers.

Strength has become me. I barely cry anymore. I used to cry, literally about everything. The girl who bullied me in high-school. Loosing both of my best friends before graduation last year. Convincing myself that I was in love with someone who never truly had my best interests at heart. Lastly, hurting someone I care about repeatedly over and over again. And, guess why I expressed my emotions this way? I was looking for someone to blame for my problems, basically in a huge spiral of denial about everything. This was instead of standing up and solving them myself- well, here's how I intend to do that.

The girl who used to bully me. All it took was for me not to cry. Not show her how I truly felt. Eventually she'd get bored and find a new toy to play with, but did I realise this at the time? Nope. Would this have helped me to develop my self confidence and ability to not take everything so personally? Definitely. But hey, what can you do? She's in the past and that's where I intend on keeping her.

Loosing one of my best friends, one of which I'd met in year nine. I literally told all my secrets to this person and dumped all my problems on her. Why did we stop being friends you ask? They couldn't cope with the constant and unbearable stress I put her through. Do I blame her now? No. Did I at the time? Of course. But it wasn't until later I realised again, it was my fault. I'm sorry, you know who you are and hopefully you'll be reading this now.

Loosing another of my best friends, to yet again number 1,110 of our silly squabbles. I betrayed her by telling her boyfriend (who was my best friend) one of the secrets she'd told me in complete and utter confidence. At the time, did I believe I was doing the right thing? Yes. But did I realise this would effect our friendship as seriously as it did? Absolutely not. And now, after one of the most heart felt letters of forgiveness I've ever received from someone- we are now friends again. Gosh I love her dearly, and she better be reading this otherwise she'll be in trouble (kidding.)

This one will be fun to share. In-between one of my many break-ups with my boyfriend who I've been dating on and off for about four years now, I fell in-love with someone who is a complete and utter monster. Was he this way before we were involved with one another? I have absolutely no clue. Was I part of who he became after our involvement? Most likely. But, let's get to the details first. This individual was a few years older then me and we found enjoyment out of toying with one anothers emotions, this went on for longer then I care to admit. And eventually, we came to a conclusion to put the past behind us and move forward with our lives. However, this boy (and yes, I am describing him as a 'boy' rather then a 'man' because his actions were completely childish) backed out from meeting at the last minute and later confined in me that the 'best way for us to solve our unresolved feelings for each other is to have sex.' Well, did I say so long and fair well to him for eternity.

Lastly, and this one I'm most ashamed of. The boyfriend who I've had many break-ups with, I have put through hell and back about 1,110 times (if not more.) His stood by me through every mistake, every fight, every emotional wreckage and if I was to go on I'd be here all day. He is an absolute gentlemen and I honestly couldn't be more lucky to have someone like him in my life. People often say that 'high-school relationships are bound to fail, grow boring or lead to early pregnancies.' Well, I'm out to prove every single person who has ever thought that WRONG. Because yes, as I may not deserve this perfect human being- he loves me and sees the person I'm developing myself to become and I hope I can achieve for both his and my sake (mostly mine.)

Kindness. Rather then channel all my negative anxiety and anger for my past mistakes, I've channelled them into kindness through supporting the people who mean the world and beyond to me. People have always thought of me as someone they can confine in, tell secrets to and seek advice (as I'm great with giving it, just not applying it into my own situations) and it's for that exact reason that I've learnt to distract myself by helping the needs of others and this has become a somewhat regular routine for me now.

I also spread the ideas of positivity and kindness by visiting my family, friends and boyfriend as often as I can. Due to living down in Southern Victoria for the past seven months, it's often hard to see my high-school friends, catch up with my Uni friends, visit my family in Northern Victoria and visit my partner who lives in Eastern Victoria. However, I tackle this the best I can- as my family and partner were my 'rocks' so to speak, when I first made my transition from 'country girl' to 'city girl.'

In conclusion of this very openly discussed short story, I make one final statement before I leave you readers with some advice. If I could go back and change my past, I would. Literally within a heartbeat. However, due to the invention of a time machine not progressing well, I can't. This doesn't mean that I don't acknowledge the muck ups I've made, quite the opposite actually. I'm sending my biggest and warmest heart felt apology to all of those mentioned above, especially you lover (as your the one I'm sure I've hurt most) oh and except for you- ex lover, you and I are done and that I'm sure is for the best. Anyway! I'm a changed women now and nothing stands in the way of my future except the decisions I make from now on.

Now for the advice. Never surround yourself with people who bring you down or make you the worst version of yourself. Aspire to be the person your closest friends, family and 'lovers' believe you to be and if you want to achieve a goal or dream in your life, fight for it. So that's enough out of me for now, goodbye and goodnight.