It's You and Me

"i'm just trying to understand myself..."

Warning: the author is in pain and is taking it out on your boys. she will explain more at the end, and is so sorry. this part is also unedited, excuse errors this once.

poly boys, but its just brian and brock for most of it

~*~*~*~

Brian stared at his boyfriend as he fiddled with his sleeve, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What... What do you mean by that?"

"I mean..." Brock rolled words over in his mind, debating on how to explain himself. "...I mean, I don't know. I just don't understand why I ever think speaking up is ever a good idea." He looked up with teary eyes to meet a surprised expression, Brian's mouth slight opened in shock. Brock looked away again, squeezing the hand that grabbed his.

"Brock...honey..."

"I know-" Brock sniffled, letting the tears falling onto his lap. "I know that my opinion and what I think and say is just as important as everyone else's, but sometimes, when I talk to someone, I just feel so stupid for saying anything. Like I should have kept my mouth shut, why didn't I think of that, I shouldn't be asking for help because they can't help me and. I just." His shoulders started to shake, his bottom lip quivered involuntarily. "I just feel s-so stupid."

Brian watched with sad, concerned eyes as his boyfriend broke down in front of him, tears filling his own eyes. "Brock, y-you aren't stupid-!"

"I know, I know, I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm not dumb, I just-" Brock hiccuped, gently rocking himself. "I-I just feel like I don't deserve to be heard."

Brian grabbed softly at his hands and desperately looked to catch Brock's eyes. "Brock, Brock..." He wanted to help, but he had no idea how.

"I-I used to feel like this when I was a sophmore in high school," Brock said, still rocking. "I-I was dating this boy, and he made me feel safe and comfortable with myself. I believed he actually loved me and he told me every day he did. I had confidence in myself, I spoke my mind, I didn't care what anyone else thought. And when we broke up, seven months later, a week after Valentine's day, I was so torn. I depended on him so, so much, and I had to learn how to depend on myself.

"Over the summer, I hardened and I was better, and a few years later, when I met all of you, I-I just... I slipped back into it.." The sharp intake of air that came from Brian didn't go unnoticed. "Every time I talked to you guys, you strangers, at the time... I couldn't help but feel like an idiot... like the last thing I should do in a group chat or group call is speak my mind..."

Brian was quietly crying into his hand, gripping Brock's with his other one tightly. He didn't know what to say.

The tears dribbled down Brock's face slowly now, his eyes burned. "Whenever I felt that way... I didn't want someone to talk to me out of pity, or because they wanted to help, and end up not knowing what to say. I just... I wanted someone to listen.

"A-And the whole reason why this came up is because it happened again," Brock choked out a wet laugh, wiping his face with his sleeve. "I want just having a conversation with Anthony and he just pointed something out and I-I- I couldn't handle it. I felt so awful and I brushed everyone off and they all asked if I was okay and I yelled at them and I regret it, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-"

Brian let go of his hand and dragged him into a tight hug. The sudden embrace filled Brock's chest with more emotion than he could handle at that moment, and he sobbed freely into Brian's neck, gripping the back of his shirt. He could feel Brian's chest shudder and heave as he cried with him, and he felt so awful for putting this pain on his love.

A door opened to the room they were in, and Brock could feel another pair of arms wrapping around him. Foot steps sounded from the hallway, and more of his lovers joined the group hug. Quiet murmurs reassured him that they were there, gently shooshing calmed his nerves, and the weight of so many of people hugging him made him feel safe.

Once they all pulled away, and Brian and Brock had a moment to wipe their faces, they listened to Brock quietly explain why they were so upset. By the end of his explanation, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Brock reassured Anthony that it wasn't his fault, at all, and he refused to quit saying it until he was absolutely sure Anthony absolutely understood.

After everyone had a moment to calm down, they made Brock swear he would speak his mind, and they repeated it until Brock began to laugh at their constant poking. They settled in the living room to watch a selection of movies that were complete shit. They made fun of them the entire time, laughing and cringing and overall having a nice time.

'*~*~

i.

i was going to add a really cliche ending like, brock looked around him and realized how many people he had that loved him and cared about him so much, yada yada yada, but i just. i dont have it in me.

an explanation for this one shot:

before last summer, i was never confident in myself. i believed i should never speak my mind, and would hate myself when i did. i wanted to learn sign language so i wouldnt have to speak.

so after blurting my big god damn mouth, i got a boyfriend last june, and we dated until February 20, 2017 or something like that. he broke it off because he thought he loved someone else who he had broken up with before he dated me, but she didnt feel that way, especially since she just broke up with someone (thats why he even bothered). he said he didnt feel the same and lied to me until i was told by a friend of ours why he did what he did. i was broken, i tried so god damn hard to fix it, then tried to mend our friendship, but i felt like he wasnt having it and he made it so god damn difficult to breathe, so i broke off contact with him entirely. i blocked him on facebook cause it was the only way he could contact me.

the thing is, i depended on him so much because he made me feel complete, as brock. so this was really fucking difficult. over the summer, i hardened. i got better. i felt better about myself and i had confidence in myself without him. i felt good. then, i ask a family member for help on something, and it happens again. i feel so god damn stupid and like i shouldnt have said a god damn word and my opinion doesnt mattter and the problem had an easy solution and why didnt i see it before why did i bother for help i shouldnt have bothered them what was i thinking.

i dont know if im like this because of him or if im like this because im fucking broken but i am and i just. i needed someone to listen, and unlike brock here, i dont have ten-fifteen other people to listen and hug me and distract me with shitty movies. i have one person who i consider a close friend and shes 75% busy getting her own life together and dealing with her own shit and.

and i dont want someone just message me because they feel bad for me. i dont want you messaging me if you want to help, only to turn around and not know what to say and feel awkward and bad and unintentionally guilt trip me into another shitty fucking place like this.

i just want you to listen.

dont tell me to go talk to a professional.

dont push me away please.

...

anyway heres that cliche ending because you deserve something for sitting through my shit.

~*~*~*~

Brock rested his head on Brian's chest, running his hand through Jon's hair as his head was on his lap. Marcel was curled up at the other end of the couch with a Mini in his lap, whose legs were entangled with Del's. Evan, Anthony, Luke, and Ryan cuddled together in front of the couch, while David, Lui, and Tyler made the love seat work (they should really be looking for a sectional). He looked around at all of these beautiful people, and his chest swelled with love, admiration, and appreciation. He wondered how he got so god damn lucky to have more than one beautiful person to love him just as much as he loved them.

Brock rested his head back on Brian's chest, blissfully smiling as he listened to a chorus of laughter that surrounded him. He refused to start crying again, but he couldn't deny that he's honestly never felt happier in his entire life, truly happy. He felt safe, at peace.

He felt so utterly complete. He couldn't ask for anything more.