I was out with Malcolm today in Harajuku a few hours before the show.
I was surprised when unfamiliar arms circled me.
A fan came over to me and gave me a hug.
He told me that the whole fandom just wanted to give me one big hug.
I told him I wanted the whole fandom to have the world.
Malcolm was looking at us, smiling.
He does that.
He smiles when he knows I'm hurting.
Even if he is hurting too,
He smiles.
In the car back to the hotel, I asked him why he does that.
He told me he smiles, because every day I'm in this world, is a reason to smile.
I hold his hand a little tighter.
I did'nt speak to Malcolm about the marriage thing.
He does'nt know that I can deciepher his touch like that.
But I do know that proposal is on his mind.
Sometimes he traces circular motions around my fingers.
Feels them up and down, as if sliding something on that isn't there.
The thought of belonging to someone scares me.
It's not what my personal fight, as a woman is about- belonging to a man.
But I remind myself, marriage doesn't have to mean that I belong to Malcolm.
It would mean we are together and one with each other.
Two days ago he got on his knee's in front of me.
To tie my shoelace.
I remember my heart racing and a feeling, almost a feeling of relief as reached for my shoe.
But also a crushing, empty feeling.
When we get back to the room, he goes to shower.
Tomorrow he is going back to the US.
And I am going to South Korea.
So I lay on my bed. Listening to Rebel Heart by Madonna,
singing the words that resonate with my life so much.
'So I took the road less travelled by,
And I barely made it out alive.
Through the darkness somehow I survived.
Tough love.
I knew it from the start.
Deep down in the depths
Of my rebel heart.'
Whilst singing, I suddenly identify fear within me.
I'm scared of going to South Korea without Malcolm.
I know its a safe, happy country.
But I am always scared of the unknown.
I want him to be there with me.
But I also know he has work to do back in the US.
I take the hoodie I've been wearing a couple days from my suitcase and place it in his.
