sometimes i hold the end of your fingers in my fist and bend them, the slightest twitch, because maybe if i show you how to do it then you will.
but you don't.
i think about the wreck, and i think about you, and your bloodied skin and tired eyes. i think about the purplish green hues that bloom across your arms and legs like twisted flowers.
i think about the way you let out a little huff of surprise as your car slammed into the other, and how your arm flew across my chest to protect me like you always do. and i think maybe
maybe
that was the way you were meant to go.
all shrieking metal and fiery explosions.
something big and beautiful
and dramatic.
i think about how somehow during that split second your hand fell away from my chest, limp, and the life left your eyes and didn't return.
how can someone so full of love and life just disappear? where does it all go?
i think the universe realized its mistake. we never deserved you in the first place.
but god, i wanted to.
i wanted to be enough for you.
i'm sorry.
darcy sat with me earlier and told me stats and facts about whether or not you're going to wake up and i held my breath because i don't believe science is going to make you wake up.
you're just going to have to want to.
finally, she realized i wasn't listening and just patted my shoulder. "do you love him?"
"yes. very much."
she nodded. "what's your favorite memory of him?"
i bit back a smile and stared at the speckled tiles beneath my feet. "i don't know, there's a lot."
"just tell me one."
"um, okay. um... well, about four months ago jack said he was going to take me on a date. a romantic date. but jack always takes me to non-traditional places, like magic shows, or, i don't know, once he took me to a truck pull. so i wasn't expected a white tablecloth fancy dinner bouquet of roses type of thing, you know?
"but it was. and he was wearing this super nice tux and i was wearing a t-shirt and jeans because i wasn't expecting that. but he told me i looked beautiful anyway, and then he laughed because he knew how cheesy it sounded. that's just how he is.
"he's sweet and complimentary but he's not a traditional romantic. he just knows how to make me happy. he's never showed up at my front door in the middle of the night playing the guitar or anything, but he listens when i talk and holds my hand and tells me i'm pretty.
"so i wasn't expecting all of this. halfway through dinner, he pulled his tie off and said 'screw this,' and i found out one of his friends had told him he needed to be more romantic.
"and i told him i didn't care, i just wanted to spend time with him. i liked going to magic shows and pizza buffets with him because that was him. so we left dinner halfway through and walked to the park and he kissed me on the sidewalk and said he loved me for the first time.
"and i said it back. i wasn't nervous, i'm never nervous with him. he always makes me feel safe."
"you guys have a real thing going," darcy said.
"i know." and i smiled.
love,
asher
