My favorite part of living in this home was how we never really had a schedule but everything always got done as if pre medidated. Theres a lot of quirky details i can picture that would be almost unnoticable to anyone just passing by, but i remember them with the memory of a blind person. It's weird remembering things from when i was a different person compared to the body i live in now. I know its different & I wonder if it was different for me when i was her. Sometimes i wish i could think back and feel the exact feelings i used to have, now it just feels like the cold embrace of a ghost, it hurts to remember what felt like everything in my world before. I wish i could feel it the same. Everyone wakes up brand new every day & ill never forget the difference it makes. You can always feel the diffrence with how they see you each day. One day you can see the regard someone has for you, the choices made can and will change that immensly. Because after one day the same caring face you used to see, turns distant. You can see the same face in so many different ways, sometimes you see someone right infront of you, but they're not really there anymore. Actions affect all sorroundings no matter where it was taken place, or what had happened, & those involved. You learn that with expiriences like these. Best lesson life can give you is teaching you how to appreciate the opportunities you could've had, regret is your instructor. I say because i did something once. I think about it a lot, because of the way things fell apart soon after. The way they still seem to be. I think about all the subliminally comscious things i would partake in & a lot of things can relate.
There's someone i could've loved once, could've because i did such things. Something i try explaining to myself so often you would think i had a time travel ability. Few things in my life can change me, this was a big one.
kinda like the time i punched my moms window out when i was 11 & i brougt a rope switch and broom for her to beat me with instead she made me pay for it.
Changed the way i saw things, changed the way i felt, changed how feelings affected me, changed the effect of having feelings.
I remember the warmth of being cared about. The feeling your smile almost infected the air with. The narcotic drug i would kill for wore red converse & watched movies together sometimes.
I remember the day i shut the warmth out. I remember every day after looking for the same face that i never saw again. It was winter for months but I didnt feel the chill until december.
there isn't anything in my life that i remember more vividly than when he stopped looking at me.
I dont think anyone can understand the diffrence between getting seen and looked at. I went from being someone who existed in a world that i could feel emotions peircing through a veil i may as well have created, to what felt like standing outside a cabin of a firelit house, looking through windows to the happiness inside, & being fearful of being sent away, so you stand and watch. It felt like below zero winter breeze with flakes falling from trees, while you see the firepit through the window. Trying to touch the glass to gain some warmth, but not feelings anything but the sensation of materials.
Hope you never have to understand the concept.
to have someone stand feet away from you, with the feeling that they're miles away.
have you ever looked for someone who was right there?
I could see him with both eyes in front of me, but he wasn't there anymore.
We would speak but the words never made it. He could hear me but he couldn't listen anymore.
I tried to listen to everything after i chose action, but there wasn't anything left for me to hear.
i didnt have opportunity to close that part of my life,
i didn't want to, so i tried shutting it out. The walls i put up to protect myself all fell on me.
A very vivid feelings from a situation i couldn't acknowledge or face, so aside it went.
Until it broke me.
i think back to everything i did to distract myself.
think about everything else, anything else. No matter who i included in the show.
It was morbid really, in the place and time i was at in my life, there were desperate unorthodox ways to distract the real thoughts my mind didn't want to face the reality of. When opportunity struck me again for the illusion to escape, i chose the basic americanized ways to think otherwise, narcotics.
The summer i wanted to spend appreciating those original people that set my path to the right view. The people i wanted to show my gratitude for not giving up on me, or giving me up, & for all the righteous guidance given, and the outlook of a proper structured family. I spent shutting my mind to any real thought that it could've formed. The strongest ongoing pill binge i've ever commited myself to. I had a boyfriend type thing during my binge, i was never sober with him. I was input to a rehab facility, i got out sober and realized how much he mattered when my mom made me mad so i told him & his cousin to leave for bottles, & i was laughing on the last phone call i had with him before they were arrested for the summer.
after the drug expenses got annoying, & the effect wasn't enough for me. I went on to the next distraction. This one is the more popularly used method.
sex
mindlessness
it was supposed to make people feel good right?
i can't tell anymore.
It got me into the situation i was in
It didnt solve anything for me
It didnt mean anything to me
I didnt mean anything to the losers i gave it up to.
Enough times to not consider it a part of myself.
I still dont understand
another one of the things im still trying to explain to myself.
I didn't care about the people behind the attention i was getting.
i didn't care about the attention
It just turned into the game of
pull him
so then i did
even that gets old
Eventually
it comes time to face the things you run from
Reality likes hide and seek
but i was always the competitive one
so i ran & hid
until i forgot what i left chasing me.
Then i walked right up to it
fast enough to forget about anything else that could have ever happened,
forget anything and everything that was happening & ignore anything i could see soon to happen.
should've seen it coming you'd think
Cant play four corners with God.
& the situation had turned into something i coudn't even face the thought of trying to face what happened.
@impulses
i said
giving yourself excuses is as convinceable as telling others
