Under the Bridge

chapter thirty-"i'm a coward"

O L I V I A

P O R T L A N D: 5:40 

I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that I was to be boarding a plane today. My mother's trip to Cambridge had completely slipped my mind. She mentioned it casually over the phone that first night at Liam's when she told me I was off the waitlist, but she didn't remind me until this morning. 

Oh well. It's not like I have that much to pack, anyways. 

I may or may not have put one of Liam's grey hoodies that he maybe left at my house possibly in my bag because I potentially miss him. I need all the emotional support I can get right now. 

I'm going to my future home for four years. 

Someone set me on fire, please. 

The word home doesn't feel right when describing Harvard. It's my mother's home, but it's not mine, nor do I think it will ever be. It's just my future place of residence and school. That's it. It's not that it's a bad school, it's just that every time I see it, I see the life that's been set out for me, not the life I want to live. I want to sever myself from this identity. 

I'm tugging my suitcase down the stairs and to the car, where my mother is waiting for me impatiently. She smiles when I see her, and I fake a grin. "I have more good news." 

I internally groan. 

"I've got a meeting, so we're spending one day in Cambridge, and another one in Toronto!" She exclaims. "Canada, the home of Justin Trudeau, moose, and maple syrup." 

I pretend to be excited. "Sounds cool." I lie. When my mom goes on short business trips with me, I'm always forced to stay in the hotel alone and watch movies in a place that's not my living room. It's boring and lonely.

* * *

L I A M

P O R T L A N D: 8:30 

Sometimes, I don't mind my mother. I don't forgive her for what she did to my father, but I can spend time with her. She's willing to defend me against her douchebag of a husband. My feelings about Brian, however, are not very pleasant. 

Besides the fact that he's an asshole, he also thinks he has control over me, the person who he's not biologically related to. I'm eighteen years old, I have a plan for my future, and I don't do any hard drugs. Just because I'm not going to college doesn't mean I'm going to fuck up everything. 

When I came back from driving Olivia home, he was furious. My mother and sisters were not. 

"You were not supposed to leave this house!" The vein in his neck looks like it's about to burst. 

"Sorry that I don't want people to freeze to death." I snapped. 

Brian uncrosses his arms and cocks his head. "Listen, boy. You think you can disrespect me--"

"Enough." My mother says, placing a hand on Brian's shoulder. "Please, people like Olivia don't come into Liam's life often. Don't ruin this for him." She tells him, kindly. My mom turns to me, eyes wide and full of something, maybe pity, maybe neutrality. "Do you love her, Liam?" 

I shake my head. "Not yet, mom." I say, honestly. 

I can still feel her against me, warmth radiating off of her body under the sprinkle of cold snow. I can taste the candy canes on her lips and smell her. Jasmine, and old books, mixed with a garden, like fresh flowers after the rain. I could feel the softness of her wavy hair, and see the smooth skin on her body.