Into the Woods

Chapter 2: Rumpelstiltskin

Rumpelstiltskin sat alone on his padded throne, a ginger cat on his lap. He ran his long, crooked fingers through his prized pet's fur, muttering to himself.

"Oh, my dear Puss. Today we will do it. Today that damn girl will finally be mine. She had escaped my long fingers too many times now. We will finally win!"

There was the sound of feet on the wooden floor as a small troop of people entered the room.

"Ah," cracked Rumpelstiltskin, "I see the you all found out newest secret lair! Welcome!"

"Uh, Rumpie?" asked a rather round woman dressed in red.

"What is it, Red?" he responded impatiently.

"I thought that we had agreed that that," she motioned at the cat on his lap, "must go. It has fleas! And it smells. Get rid of it."

Red took a couple of steps towards the throne, arms outstretched as if to carry the cat out by her fingertips.

"No!" cried Rumpelstiltskin, putting his arms protectively over the hissing cat. "No! Not the precious! The precious is mine!"

The argument was interrupted by a young, white-haired woman who entered the room with a laptop under her arm.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Rumpie," she said in a soft voice. "I had to go fetch the laptop before I came here and it took longer than I thought it would." 

She dropped her white fur coat on the floor, revealing a pale blue free below. The dress sparked and shimmered as she crouched down and sat on the coat, opening up the laptop in front of her.

"That is quite all right, Jadis. Now that we are all here, let us get down to business."

A woman dressed in a white suit entered the room.

"Good morning evil masters, can I get you anything today?"

"A cup of tea would be nice," said Jadis, glancing up from her laptop.

"A pork sandwich," growled the grizzly-haired man standing next to Rumpelstiltskin.

"No," said Rumpelstiltskin. "Well, I guess Jadis can have her tea, but no pork sandwich for you, Wolf!" He shouted the last words with such finality that the group all froze where they were. He continued, in a far more pleasant voice, "Bring a pot of tea and cups for us all, slave."

Wolf glared at Rumpelstiltskin. "Tell, me. Why can't I have my sandwich?"

"Well, you see, we have an important mission to complete today and I will need your help."

"I can't work on an empty stomach," said Wolf as his stomach growled loudly.

"Well, that's why you can have some tea."

"Anything else, masters of darkness?" stuttered the slave.

"No, leave! We have an important mission to discuss."

The slaved bowed low before shuffling out, the shock collar around her neck glittering in a lone ray of sunlight.

"What mission..." snarled Wolf, "What mission is important enough to deprive me of my food?"

"That's why I called you all here today. To tell you about this mission. We will be leaving soon. You can have your sandwich after we return."

Wolf snarled and walked away from Rumpelstiltskin and started pacing up and down the room, his foul coat swinging around him.

"Wolf, stop pacing. Come sit."

Wolf growled and sat down beside Jadis. When he was seated he glared up at Rumpelstiltskin and the fat cat on his lap.

"Today is the day that I finally get what is rightfully mine! I will finally claim that child that that woman promised me in exchange for drugs if it hadn't been for her father's meddling. Anything, Jadis?"

Jadis pressed a few keys with her long-nailed fingers. "Yes, I've found her. Isn't it wonderful that Rosina managed to hack into her Google account. It is so easy to track her now."

"Yes, yes. Well done, Rosina. Just remember, it would never have worked if I hadn't talked to her first and gotten the information she needed. Now can you just tell me where she is?"

"She is walking through the Lonely Wilds Woods. I assume that she is going to get grandmother's house again."

"She is," said Rumpelstiltskin confidently.

"Whatever you do don't lose her. You need to keep tracking her. Keep following her."

"That's rather easy with Instagram and Twitter," said Rosina, speaking for the first time. "Oh, look," she said in her sugary voice, "she just posted a photo of a robin on her Instagram account."

"Stop," said Rumpelstiltskin. "You are getting sidetracked. We need to stay focused or it will be too late."

"Are you sure that you want her, Rumpie?" Asked Jadis. "I mean, children are a lot of work to look after, especially girls. You have to keep them locked up in a room all day if you don't want a boy to steal them away from you after you went to all that effort to earn them. They constantly want things and are always hungry. Trust me. I know. I've been through this with my Rapunzel. Are you sure that this is what you want? It's not too late to change your mind. Child-proofing a room is incredibly expensive and then that child will suck up all your money like a black hole."

"Money is no obstacle!" said Rumpelstiltskin haughtily. "I can turn straw into gold after all. I simply pretend it's weed and sell it for an incredibly high price. And the poor suckers fall for it. Thank you placebo effect!"

"Jadis," said Red, "you really are an idiot you know. I simply make my Ella work all day. She doesn't have time to think about boys. You should try it some time. It is really far cheaper and easier than your method. Besides, this way you have more time to chase men for your own."

"Good idea Red. But Jadis' idea isn't a bad one either. Or maybe I should rather build a monument so that people will never forget me, not that they would. I want people to tremble at the sound of my name forever!"

"Rumpie!" chided Rosina in her syrupy voice. "You catch more files with honey than with vinegar! It works the same way with children too. I proved that with my sweet shop's "free for all" days. I lured so many children in. And the money wasn't bad either. Those were the good days..."

"But you failed, didn't you Rosina?" snapped Red. "Two escaped and reported you to the police. You were nearly arrested!"

"That wasn't my fault! It was such a tragedy... Luckily I had enough money at that point to bribe myself to innocence. Even so, I had child organisations after me for months! Eventually Wolf and his gang chased them off."

"Yes, yes. We know," huffed Jadis. "We've all heard that story many times now. That is why you simply lock them up so that they can't escape and ruin you. They only have what you leave them with."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"What do you mean by that, Rosina?"

"I happen to know that there is a certain boy who goes to visit your darling Rapunzel whenever you come to these meetings."

"I heard that too! You know that spare key that mysteriously disappeared? Well, he used that to let himself into your house. He is working on a way to break her out. That is why you make them work the whole day!"

"No there isn't! She's all alone! There's no one with her. Besides, it's not like you're so perfect Red. You've failed too! You were the queen of Wonderland before you failed because of a little girl called Alice! You should have used figurative honey to make them stick in their places and shouted-"

"-off with their heads!"

"Yes, that. The you'd still be the queen of Wonderland!"

"Off. With. Their. Heads."

"Ladies, ladies. You're all evil," interrupted Rumpelstiltskin just as the server entered the room with a pot of tea and five mugs.