Exit Wounds | The Script

No Words

Dear Diary.

I don't know what to write. Well I do, I just don't want to write it. It feels wrong writing out the contents of mind into a little book. A book which anybody could read. It feels dangerous. Charlie said it would be a good idea to start a diary. She said it would let ease my mind a little, help me to make a decision. But I don't know... I haven't been up to much if you were wondering. Nothing majorly exciting. Well i've got a job now, just as a waitress in the italian restaurant in centre town. I need to earn my keep, it feels good to be getting my own money. Its okay I guess, I get paid reasonably, sometimes extra for tips but that's only occasionally.

It's been two months and a bit since I saw Noah. 'Saw'. I didn't really see him did I? I don't know...I don't know anything nowadays, I just feel empty. Like a black hole with nothing left anymore, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Life is effort: eating, drinking, sleeping, walking, talking, even thinking. I haven't spoken to a Danny for a few weeks now, well, not face to face. He texts me sometimes, occasionally calls, asking me if I want to meet up. I decline him every time. Saying that I'm busy with work or going out with Charlie. Every single fucking time. I can't say yes can I? Seeing Noah I guess made everything worse. Yes. I know you thought that it would make everything better. I know that Noah told me that I was allowed to love him. Him. I can't say his name.. it hurts too much, makes me remember. But instead of supposedly making it better seeing Noah made it worse. His words... they touched me... filled me with guilt. I should never have let Danny close. I shouldn't have. But I've left him now. I just don't understand why I feel so empty yet so full all the time, needy, in want of something, someone.

I quickly cross out the last line, so harshly that the crossing out indents itself into the next page. I don't need anyone. I'm fine by myself. I am. I am.

You want Danny Willow and you know it.

Stop it. Don't say his name. I squirm in my seat and try to block out what I really want. I need to force myself to believe that I don't want anything, don't need anyone. I am fine by myself. I am. I am.

No you are not.

Yes I am. Stop it. Go away. Leave me alone. I let out a loud sigh and shake my head furiously trying to chase the voice away. It won't go away, it won't leave me alone, it just gets stronger... And stronger... And stronger.

You need to listen to me. You love him, go back to him Willow.

"NO!" I say out loud loudly. "Go away! Stop it! I wont listen to you! Never!" I shake my head from side to side frantically trying to rid myself from the voice booming inside my head, causing a group of old ladies to turn around and look at me with horror plastered over their uptight faces as if I was some mentally disabled psychopathic girl. I just deeply frown back at them and give them the finger, causing them to tut and rant to themselves about my rudeness but I don't care. Fuck them. Fuck the world.

Writing my thoughts down isn't making things any better. I clumsily gulp down the last of my mocha and gaze out of the Costa window at the bustling people walking past laden with shopping bags. Couples walk past the window hand in hand smiling at one another dreamily; children are laughing, grinning, clinging to their mothers hands. Why does everyone have to smile all the fucking time? Why can't people be down and upset? People are too happy. They need to be more angry. Angry at the world. Like me. Why can't I smile? Why can't I be happy? Its not fair. But nothing in life ever is..

I need to stop it. I wish everything would go away, leave me alone. Why can't you all just leave me alone?

My phone vibrates on the table causing me to jump up in alarm, earning a few annoyed looks from other people in the cafe. I blush heavily and try to hide myself behind the curtain matted hair across my face. I glance at my phone screen. A picture of smiling Danny pops up making my heart pound. Fuck. Not now Danny. Please. Just please. I just stare at the vibrating phone wiling my utmost hardest for it to stop. Please stop ringing. Just please. Do I answer it? I reach out my hand slowly, I stare at it in surprise.. My hand is shaking.