Friends ; Phan ~ Completed

fine

{Phil's POV}

I sit criss cross on the toilet seat, watching Dan hiss in pain as he cleans the blood from his arms. I can't get this sick, heart wrenching feeling to go away.

My heart nearly stopped when I saw him lying there. I just, lost it. I thought my best friend was gone. I've never been more relieved to see someone wake up in my entire life.

But, now that the shock of it all is gone for the most part.. I question why he did it. As far as I know, he hasn't even thought about doing that for a good 5 years. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know him as well as I think I do.

He's hardly spoken more than a word in the past few minutes. The room is silent, besides the shaky breathing and crying. I just can't help but think, what if he died just now? What would I do? How much would I regret?

I'd lose my mind. I haven't been apart from him for over two weeks since we moved in together. I actually can't function without him. It's terrifying to think that, he could've died. Or that he wants to die.. That might just be worse.

"Are you shaking?" Dan mumbles softly, looking over at me with a frown. I cross my arms to try and hide the fact that he's right.

"I'm fine." That's a complete lie. I'm not fine. But, I'm sure he's doing worse. "Are you okay?"

"Listen, I just freaked out okay?" He snaps, looking down. Ouch. I bite my lip, trying not to look hurt by the harshness, I failed. I'm just concerned.. "I..I'm sorry. I'm not mad or anything.. Just, I wasn't planning on.. on you finding out.. It's a little, I just, I'm.. just.. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I mumble, speaking low so it doesn't sound like I'm that choked up. "Why'd you do it?"

"I.. It's hard to explain. I've told you before the reasoning behind it. Not that it's any excuse to do that, because it helps, but only for a short time and then I'll regret it." He meets my eyes, as if trying to read my thoughts.

Instead of saying anything, I get up and hug him tightly. "Just, please.. Don't do that again." I whisper, choking back tears.

"I'll try not to. I'm sorry." He apologizes and I shake my head. Try not to? What's that supposed to mean? How about never?

After a few minutes, we end up curled up on the couch, not saying anything. "Can we just be honest with each other?" I whisper, breaking the silence.

"Okay, I guess." He mutters, leaning his head against my chest.

"Do you love me?" I ask, so low I wonder if he really hears me. There's a long pause, leaving me to wonder what kind of answer I'll get.

"Yeah." He says, but I can sense the hesitation.. It's worrying me.

"If you mean it.. Then, you're saying you don't love Travis?"

"I never have."

"And you.. Would want to date me?"

"I do."

"I heard you talking to Travis on the phone the other day.."

"I didn't mean what I said."

"How do I know that?"

"Take my word for it.. I don't want to hurt you. I promise."

"It wasn't a one time thing?"

"I hope not."

"And.. I'm sorry. Please, don't hurt yourself anymore. I wouldn't know how to live without you."

"It's okay. I won't." The room goes silent, as neither of us know what to say next.

Was this all my fault? Are we gonna date? Are we gonna stay friends? Friends withe benefits?

I've never been more confused at a situation..

"Phil?" He asks after a long silence.

"Hm?" I mumble, looking down at him. He looks me in the eyes, trying to get the answers to all the questions we have. It seems that we both have the same thought..
Screw it.

He leans in, and I do the same, connecting our lips. I know this isn't a good solution to the current problem, but it fixes it temporarily.

I pull back, shaking my head. We really need to work this out..

"What?" He whispers, straddling my hips.

"We need to figure this out." I sigh. "Really. Not just, say it's fine. It's not fine."

"Of course it's not fine, but I don't want to talk. Clearly, neither do you." He reasons, pouting slightly.

"If not now, when?" I ask as he kisses my lips softly.

"Never? Eventually? Later?" He suggests, kissing along my jaw.

I want to object. I wanna say something like 'this isn't how this works' but, I can't think straight when he's kissing me.

"Dan.." I say reluctantly, pushing him back a little.

"Come on.. just tonight.. We'll talk tomorrow."

"You're just horny." I roll my eyes, chuckling.

"I just.. want you.." he says, his voice growing lower as the sentence progresses.

"Fine then." I mutter, pulling him in and kissing him harshly.

I wake up the next morning, alone, on the couch. I turned on my side, noticing a note on the coffee table.

Went out with Dodie! See ya!
- Dan 🖤
Ps. Last night was great xx

I roll my eyes, putting the note down. Great. Lovely.

Ugh, why does this always feel like a one night stand?

This wasn't what I pictured our relationship being like. I want to wake up next to him. I want.. Love.

Somehow this doesn't feel like love. It doesn't feel right. Maybe we were just meant to be friends.

For the longest time, all I wanted was this. So why is he running? Why does this feel, wrong?

{955}