Wouldn't You Like to Know

Do you remember when you were a kid and thought there were monsters under your bed? Or that you felt there was a pair of eyes that were watching you from inside of your wardrobe? What provoked those thoughts? Fear.

What is fear?

My understanding definition isn't just about the terrifying nightmares of monsters that have claws for hands. It isn't the dreams that never seem to end.

Fear is also feeling you have your back to a wall and you can't escape. You feel trapped as you try to frantically look for any escape.

It has the ability to work from the inside and tear you apart. That overwhelming guilt you feel that's fear. I only know because its what I feel every day of my life.

It was like a ripple affect; everything I felt, my emotions running high eventually came crashing upon the shores as everything sinks in my mind. I had finally accepted what had happened. Acceptance isn't easy; it's taken me 17 years for me to finally accept my reality.

As people we change on constant basis because we are as an individual are evolving and as a person it makes you think in a different perspective.  That's exactly how I saw him, now that the rose coloured glasses were off. I'll be honest I don't have closure, and I know I need it in order to move on with my life. I'm 21 and just realizing the impact it can have on you. I wake up and I relive those moments and when I go to 'sleep' come to think of it I haven't done that in a while... sleep. I wake up in a panic because the little details appear before me just before it all happened. Why didn't I see them first hand when I had the chance?

You can't help but think if you had done something or said something then you wouldn't doubt your ability now. Your ability being to have prohibited the circumstances I remain in now. Motherless. 

What do you do when the only light you had in your life slips from your grasp?

How do you watch someone you love die? To see them almost like a flower piece by piece the petals fall off, as it slowly withers away. How do you say goodbye to the memories you made over the years with them. How do you look at them in the eye and tell them that "Everything is going to be alright just go to sleep tonight and I'll see you in the morning." Especially knowing you won't.

A world where they exist without our presence is a world we see as bitterly sweet. It's a world we don't want to exist; they say there's no heaven without hell. Well I've been left eternally to walk through the flames. And through them I'm constantly reminded of the hurt from my heartache.

He left me lying next to my mother's dead corpse until forensic came in.

In that moment my heart was like a feather but just like a bomb it exploded. I was the only one who could hear it.

I'll never forget the day the police car showed up.  You could hear the sirens from a mile away. The deafening sound of the flashing camera's combined with the series of questions the policeman asked me became deafening. I zoned out.

***

I came through the kitchen because the shouting had stopped and there she was lying, there as he sat and drank his beer admiring his dead victim. I ran to her

"Mum!" I shouted repeatedly as I shook her hoping if I did it enough it will wake her up from one of her 'deep sleeps.'

I looked over and there he was just sitting watching me shake my dead mothers corpse.

"You're a coward! How could you? You killed her!"

He continued to drink from his bottle of beer.