I am a tornado

Why I am depressed

"But why do you want to die, shi?"
"You have a better life than most people."
"Why are you depressed?"
"Just think positive."

Okay I'm sick of hearing these things. I know my life is better than most peoples and I feel for all of those people but it doesn't make me appreciate my life any more. I don't want my life. I know its selfish and I know people would kill to be where I am but I hate it. I just don't want to be here and of it was possible to swap lives with people anyone who wanted my life could gladly have it because as long as I'm on this horrible planet of torture I'm not going to want any life that I have. I wish I did want it but I just don't.
When people ask me to just think positive its such a peculiar thing, I get that you're trying to help and I get that you don't get it but please try to understand that's not how it works. I could sit and force a smile on my face and pretend I'm not dead inside but it would just make my cheeks hurt a bit and make me slightly more tired because of putting effort into something. On the other hand you're also a little bit right, I do dwell on the bad thoughts and be sad to make me more sad to make me sadder. I get that ignoring the thoughts in my head and thinking about kittens could help me but it WON'T fix me.
If you ask me why I want to die, even if you're my nan or a doctor I will always shrug and say I don't know and you're all used to that by now. Lately I have been thinking about it though and maybe there are some reasons. One of them include the fact I'll never find the love I've been craving for and I will be alone forever so I might as well end it all to hurry up the years of torture. Another reason to why I want to end my life is because of the constant feeling of pain and torture and heartbreak and all of the bad thoughts and emotions all piling on me and crushing me so the best solution to stop all of them is to stop everything. No more pain, no more heartbreak, no more feeling like I've let down everyone around me. So when you ask me why I want to die maybe just take my shrug as a good answer because talking about it all makes me a lot worse.
Finally, when people ask my why I'm depressed. Ohmygoddd I'm sorry but it makes me laugh and makes me wanna punch a wall at the same time. Its a chemical imbalance in my brain, no I can't control it, no it doesn't mean to say I won't sometimes have a good day and NO it doesn't mean I'm going to be like it forever. I'm trying to fix myself and its really hard when people constantly ask me why I'm like this. I don't know go ask the universe why I'm being tortured if you wanna know so bad because I have no clue.
I'm depressed because I haven't found a way to fix myself yet. But I will.
So stop asking.