Bad stories I wrote as a kid

The Great Glitch War (age 11)

NOTE: Now, there was a period of time when I was obsessed with Disney's Wreck-It Ralph. While I'm still a big fan of the movie- in fact, it's my favorite Disney film of all time- I was so obsessed with Wreck-It Ralph at the time that I could relate anything to the movie. Now, my favorite character from the movie (as well as my favorite Disney character) is and always has been Vanellope Von Schweetz, so at the time, since I didn't know what headcanons were, I thought the only way to do her justice (besides drawing pictures of her literally everywhere) was to write a super edgy and sad backstory for her. Thus, The Great Glitch War was born. This fanfiction was full of plotholes, canonical errors, tonal dissonance, non sequiturs, and awkwardly inserted pop cultural references- and yet for some reason, I thought it was my magnum opus. I never did finish it, but what I did write was incredibad. So prepare yourself, because this is going to be a wild ride.

It was an important day for the citizens of Sugar Rush. (WAS IT REALLY?) The Queen of Sugar Rush, Queen Sugarplum III, was about to have a child, (How can these video game people have children if they're made of code?) so two maidservants were pushing the Queen in a wheelchair. The three of them rushed down the hall to the Queen's bedroom. Pink and gold cookies covered the floors, and the walls were painted with white frosting. "Oooh....I feel the baby kicking inside of me, wanting to get out....." said Queen Sugarplum. (You can tell that Little Me had no idea how to describe being pregnant.) "Wait....It feels like there is a flurry of pixels raging inside of me...." Marissa (KIRISAME) McMinty, one of the maidservants, was getting suspicious. She put her ear to the Queen's belly and she heard a bleeping sound. "I can hear the bleeps......Her code must be still developing." (Wait, what?)

They arrived at her room, where the Queen was laid down on her bed. King Marshmallow, (Okay, I can buy "Queen Sugarplum", but "King Marshmallow" just sounds like I was running out of ideas. Then again, at the time, I was terrible at naming things.) her husband, and Princess Candice, her firstborn child, were in her room. They watched while the doctor analyzed her and the suspicious blue-green pixels coming from her belly. (WHAT?) Suddenly, she gave a cry, and a baby girl with curly, chocolate-brown hair came out. "I shall name her Chocolita, for her chocolate brown hair." said the Queen.

The doctor analyzed her, checking if there was something wrong with her. Then he saw it. He saw the child glitch. (O SHOOT) "Your Majesty.....I'm afraid there is something wrong with your child...." he said.

"What is it?" said the Queen.

"I-I-It's a glitchess!" (THE FRICK IS A GLITCHESS?)

He had said it. The young girl whom Sugar Rush had awaited for so long (Why would they have awaited her for so long? It's not like she's the heir to the throne or anything.) was a programming mistake. An error. A bug. A female glitch- a glitchess. (Oh, so that's what a glitchess is. But still, Little Me, why couldn't you just call her a glitch? Did you need to unnecessarily gender it?) Queen Sugarplum was confused. She was not a glitchess, nor was her husband a glitch. But her second-born child, the one with the lovely brown hair, was one. A glitchess.

Glitchess. That was the name the young girl was taunted with for the rest of her life. Princess Chocolita was shunned by her family, her servants and her subjects. Finally, after years of torment, the royal family could take it no more. When her sister, Candice, became queen, she banned Chocolita from entering the castle ever again. (But isn't Chocolita her sister? Why is Candice being so cruel to someone she spent her entire childhood with?)

Chocolita was furious. She ran away to Pokémon, the only game where she would be safe. (Why Pokémon? Because the Gen 1 games were so glitchy? By that logic, she'd also be very safe in Sonic '06.) There she met a glitch Trainer by the name of 4'A7-, (I know I said I was terrible at naming things, but 4'A7- is actually a pretty believable name for a Gen 1 glitch trainer.) and the two fell deeply in love. They got married in Erika's garden and, for once, Chocolita felt there was someone who liked her for the way she was.