BILLET DOUX | jhs. [COMPLETED]

Chapter Thirty-One

"Lighten up," Namjoon's voice rang in my ears. I wasn't crying, but I still haven't really gotten over with the fact that I won't see Hoseok and the others again for so long. Namjoon and I's flights are close to each other, and I was glad that he was still here. "Come on, I'm still here. I go to the US once in a while." 

I turned my head to look at him. He was wearing a beanie, a denim jacket, trousers, and some sandals. He took off his shades, and after a while, I found myself speaking: "Well if you want me to be sane in America, you gotta. I'll try to go the UK, too." 

"But you do know this is the last time we'll be seeing each other in a short while," I continued, crossing my legs and sighing. It was so frustrating, to know that things were really coming to this. There were quite plenty of people coming with me as well. "What do you think?" 

He shrugged, "Whenever there are business meetings, we can still meet-up," he winked and clicked his tongue, "Just remember to always attend the business meetings, and we'll see each other, there, so I can give you some sanity." 

"I'm worried about Hoseok," I breathed out. I know he was strong -- but it was just so unfair for him, and for me, for things to come this way. We only had such little time to be together, for so many days, and they know it wasn't enough. "I hope he'll be okay." 

"He'll be more than okay," Namjoon reassured. "Taehyung and the others are a pro at comforting other people." he says. "If anything, I'm more worried about you. You gotta look out for yourself, I'm not there to give you my intellectual lessons." 

I'd miss Namjoon so much. Yes, we'd probably see each other more than the others, but that would only be on special occasions, which I doubt will be coming around so easily these days, "You can message me, you know." 

He laughed and nodded, and things grew quiet. It wasn't an awkward silence -- in fact, I enjoyed it. At this point, before, I never knew I'd even come close to happy when I was leaving Korea, but now, I was starting to think otherwise; maybe there were things I'd be happy to see there, too. 

The silence was broken when I heard a camera shutter, and I turned to the side, my brows furrowing as I looked at Namjoon, "What was that?" I asked. Namjoon started doing something on his phone an flashed me a cheeky smile, "Don't know." 

In a while, the speakers went off, announcing the flights. Me and Namjoon locked gazes, before standing up. "I thought you were going to UK?" I cocked an eyebrow, making him chuckle. He moved closer and held out his arms, I playfully rolled my eyes and hugged him. 

"Let's say I'll be in Italy for a short while, then go to the UK." there was a hint of teasing in his voice, as if I knew what he was talking about-- but I figured that he still had more time for vacation. 

"Hmm.. I'm still going to be your best friend, right?" he clicked his tongue as I pulled away, and I laughed softly, nodding. He checked his phone, and I swear I saw the photo of me when I was thinking as his wallpaper, which was the photo he literally took not too long ago. 

I sighed and I waved. In union, we said: "Stay safe." 

And I didn't know I wouldn't feel like this when I would be going - I thought I'd feel empty, like crap, which I felt before, I thought I'd be crying my eyes out, but at this moment, I didn't. I felt.. good. It felt like things were refreshed, the bad feelings.. and I hoped I'd always feel like this. 

My eyes landed on Jiyong, who was standing on the side, waving at me. I grabbed the bouquet from my seat, handing it to him. "Thank you for everything, Jiyong." without any hesitations, I hugged him, smiling softly. "I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass." 

"Don't talk like this is the last time we'll be seeing each other," he scoffed, before chuckling. "I'll only be away for vacation, and that's for a short while. I'll come back once my timer's out." he stated. But I didn't even know how to bare him not being there for a month. 

"Still," I shrugged, pulling out an envelope from my pocket and handing it to him, "Here." he opened the envelope, his eyes landing on the amount of money inside. I didn't let him speak or hesitate, "Just in case Father still hasn't give you your allowance for the month." 

His worried gaze turned into a relieved smile. He placed a hand on top of my head, before hugging me again. As he pulled away, he said: "Be good while I'm not there looking out for you, Geoul. Make sure you eat breakfast, and don't lose hope." 

I felt myself smiling wider as I waved goodbye. 

When I sat down on my seat, I looked out of the window, already feeling nostalgic despite my eyes landing on the airport, somewhere I've rarely been, but it still made me.. sad.. 

I sighed and looked away, my gaze lowering to my phone in my hand. And as if on instinct, I took off its case. I pulled up the photo me and Hoseok took in the photobooth back then, and unconsciously, I was smiling again. 

I trailed my fingers across the picture, seeing how happy we looked. This was one of the days wherein I still wanted to end my life, but the smile playing on my lips, the gleam in my eyes, even I wouldn't expect someone like this was so close to giving up. 

I then picked up one of the familiar notes, but this one was something, it was one of the things I loved looking back to, who knew just a few words, just a simple note, would make someone this happy? I gently took it, reading the handwriting again. 

'Coffee?' it had said. 

This was the first time he's kinda asked me out. And now that I really did look back on it, he was pretty shy about it. He grew flustered about every little thing. It was.. cute. 

I turned it around, a light chuckle escaping my lips, he was so corny.. 

'I'm starting to like you a latte!' 

As I thought about everything before, I couldn't help but feel like something was definitely missing. But now that I see these simple things, it sealed the hole in my heart I never knew would be healed. I'd always keep these -- these were more than mementos. 

I looked down on the ring on my finger, sighing. 

Yes, they were definitely more than mementos; they were promises that none of us said, they were words we left unsaid, they were a spark of hope in a cruel world. 

So.. why let go? 

No matter how painful, I don't want to run away and deal with things the easy way anymore -- maybe if I'd already ended my life before Hoseok got to me, I wouldn't be as happy as I was now, this was something I never knew I'd be. 

Holding on isn't just on you. Maybe waiting can make you sick. You can wait for hours, for days, for months, for years and no one saves you. There are some people who'd want to save themselves, but they're already as broken as they think. 

If you don't believe, then you won't make it. Maybe that's it -- if you don't let your heart speak, if you don't let love inside your heart, it can be painful. And maybe if you do happen to accept it, the pain'll become worse, but in some way, that pain is something that'll make you stronger. 

Take the lessons, don't run away. 

I'm selfish. 

I know it. And deep inside, I know I couldn't change that. That was me. But the real problem was that I couldn't open my eyes to what I really needed, I only thought about what I wanted. Even if you're aware about everything, concerning everything around you, if you don't feel, if you don't want to feel, if you don't want to heal, any time soon, things won't change. 

And change is good. 

I'm selfish. 

I know that. 

But unlike before, because of this one flaw, 

I love myself.