Blues

30. Blue Desire

                                                        "No, you don't realize what you done to me

                                                                Look out, here comes blue desire.."

Blue Desire by The Silencers

Warning: this chapter includes a mature part, which you can skip, but make sure to read the part that follows, as it has a crucial effect on what's to come. Thanks x.

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His words nearly knock me down, and surprisingly send a twinge of tribulation through me. It's the first time I listen to someone as they accuse themselves of someone's death, the way I'm languished every day by the ceaseless slashing of my guilt. "What do you mean?"

"What I mean, is that I'm the reason why she committed suicide." He proclaims, his expression​ turning desolate, like he will never feel happiness ever again. "I was cruel, nonchalant, and arrogant. Too arrogant to forgive her for doing something I did every single day without remorse."

He walks away, his feet looking wobbly and lost, his old self irretrievable. I could've paid to see him looking submissive and susceptible, to see him stripped of the control and the confidence he always possesses. I could've done anything to know his weaknesses, yet seeing his stance feeble and curbed does nothing, but break me, riving my heart in two, tearing my sanity limb from limb.

Muffled melancholy, and deafening void, and no witness.

He takes a seat on the couch, leaning back to rest his head against its back, before he concentrates his gaze on the ceiling. "We were never exclusive. Of course, that's what she wanted, but commitment never sounded very engaging to me. I was always wasted, always throwing parties that would end with me in bed with another girl. I watched her ruin herself, and instead of saving her, I stood there, watching her vaporizing her entire being.

"Can you imagine how fucking cruel I was? She slept with Logan, and I fucking lost it! It didn't fucking matter that I betrayed my friend, and slept with a different girl every night, I still lost it! I treated her like absolute trash! She's show up at my place, and I'd hurl unspeakable insults at her, and then kick her out. I wouldn't look at her face whenever she approached me. Everyone started to treat her like shit, when they learned that I'm no longer interested in her. I drained her, and she-" He stops, his voice slowly becoming unsound.

And she killed herself.

I lean back against the wall to support myself, unable to talk or fathom what he just told me, and letting myself be submerged in the resolute memories that keep haunting me.

What are the odds of me meeting someone whose life resembles mine so much? Someone who happens to be friends with my ex-boyfriend? Someone whose girlfriend happened to die with drug overdose, the way my mother did?

Except that my mother didn't commit suicide.

I can't believe I feel bad for him after what he just said. Is that what you do when you.. like someone? You give them every excuse for every single depravity they commit? Because that's what I'm doing right now, beseeching my messed-up head to come up with every justification possible.

He clears his throat, before he goes on. "Her brother is a bastard. Instead of ending me, he keeps asking for money, and I can't deny him any! Not because I'm scared, but because that's the slightest I can repay for my actions, yet the guilt keeps eating on me." He squeezes his eyes shut. "I see her every fucking where. Blaming me, haunting me." He stands, making his way back to me. The way his blood-red eyes stare at me, makes me want to hug him and tell him how scarred I am, how guilty I am, just like him. "I wish I forgave her. Forgiveness might as well save a life."