3AM

Lovely Lies

I've fallen in love with the poison I taste when I kiss you. The lies that make me twist and turn at night fly through your lips like the songs of a mockingbird. I howl at night screaming for this misery to go away; yet the more I scream and want to hate you, the more I find myself loving you. I've fallen in love with the way you break me, the way you use me, the way I can touch you and yet not feel you. When you look at me with those eyes, eyes that know their own power over me, when you look at me I can't help but to stare back. I was lost at sea and you were the only thing keeping me afloat.

But when you turned away from me only to stare at someone else, the spark I felt disappeared. I felt no anger, no rage. Rage that I was told would make my vision red. I didn't feel like walking over to you and slapping you. Maybe then you would have felt the hurt I feel now. But, I felt nothing, as though the life was sucked out of me. It dawned on me then that you were the only thing I had.

I punched the walls, I ripped out my hair, I walked back and forth in my room clutching my stomach so I wouldn't throw up my feelings. You showed me your smile and you stole mine. You collected hearts only to mold them to fix your own. And when you looked at me while you were with another, I searched for any regret. Any sign that you would realize what you had done, that you would crawl to me and hug my feet begging me to take you back. I believed so hard that you actually loved me; I had let your bittersweet lies infest my feelings and it's nobody's fault but my own.

So while I lose sleep over the way you made me trust, I hope you can at least sleep. Dream of the pain in my eyes, the way my hand clinched and my nails dug into my skin, dream of the way that still, after everything you god damn put me though, I still love you.