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Time ended: 0223 HRS
Ever since the holidays have begun, I have seldom slept before 12 midnight, and that's due to a few particular reasons.
The first reason would be the most obvious reason - myself. I always become distracted from my actual goal of sleeping by either the YouTube videos, or by my Instagram feed. You know, that mentality of "just one more" is really quite obnoxious at times, and that just causes time to slip past our fingers like that of sand. Other than the presence of distracting factors, I have to say that holidays are afterall holidays. I am mostly sleep saturated, meaning that I sleep and then wakes up to eat or game or stroll, and then go back to sleep. It does happen, and for me, it happens quite often.
And, the second reason would be my sister. She has had weird habits, and these weird habits involve staying up very late into the nights. Personally, I don't think its due to work or study or anything of that sort. I think it's more for her entertainment, like, as you know, watching shows and videos. Et cetera, et cetera.
Forgive me, please. I am a person who has a bad personality. Not only am I judgmental, I am also oftentimes condescending. I know not why, but perhaps it is an aftermath of my somewhat intelligent brain. I am quite smart (hopefully, not in a self-proclaimed manner) and this "smartness" leads to some inevitable judgements, even if they are not grounded or foolproof. And, that is the same with my thoughts on my sister.
You see, she has anxiety issues, but it was not a diagnosed thingy. Why go to the psychologist when you are still functioning okay, right? But, I may or may not have flipped through one of her notebooks that she has discarded to my father. And it still stuck in my mind till this day - that one specific entry, pointing me to the presence of actual anxiety within her.
University life is probably quite hard for her, but I have no idea. And there's no way I could know. Since young, she has always been rather weird. Not really outgoing and always stays at home, even if the rest of the family is eating out. Unfortunately, it has led to me generating (and keeping) some preconceived notions about her. To me, she's my sister nonetheless, but I always feel that she would be much better off if she had no weird habits and rituals.
I have strayed very far from my original intention, but this is sort of a diary, so it would just follow my jumpy train of thoughts.
Two or three months before this, I had restless nights of restless sleep as well. But not due to the aforementioned reasons. That period is the notorious End-of-Year examinations period, so getting a good night's sleep is really very important.
But a teenage heart is a heart that never rests.
I have been sleeping well, of course with some concerns and worries here and there. They are either academic, or related to my co-curricular activites. However, that one night was so emotionally painful for me, that I actually lost sleep.
The teenage heart I was talking about is clearly mine. And just so you know, I am quite into a girl. We have been best friends for four years now, and it was on the 6th September of last year when I confessed my feelings. She had reciprocated, and we had started "dating" in secret.
I was so into her, that I would fantasize stuff about us. Through the day and through the night! On the bus ride to school, during class, on the way back home, just before I sleep and even in my dreams. The fantasies would mostly involve cuddling and very rarely, extremely steamy stuff (oh no, naughty me). But then, this year alone, she cancelled our plans on two separate occassions.
I originally thought nothing of it, and I convinced myself she was just too busy and tired. But, on our first anniversary, she cancelled on me for the second time. I still tried to convince myself that she's probably just stressed from everything.
On a random night not too far from that day, I casually asked if she still liked me. She then proceeded to inquire whether I thought that's the reason she cancelled on me. I said yea; it was indeed my greatest fear. But I never doubted her... ... never - I only doubted me.
She suddenly became angry - she said that it was horrible of me to ask that if I had thought so, because she had no way of not answering it without giving herself away. Yes, my fears were right all along. She liked me no longer.
She justified her choice of not telling me, and her reason was that this is just one of her "off" periods. She said it would always go away and she wanted to wait awhile more, at least till after the exams were over.
But I was not hurt by her not telling me; I was hurt by my navïete. I had drowned myself in all those self-imagined lies and asphyxiated myself. I had spent hours thinking of me, while I was scrolled past quickly in her mind. That night, my heart was ripped and torn.
Still, she is now feeling it again, and we are still dating. But my heart is a bit hesitant. I am not afraid of loving her as hard as I can - I am afraid she can't reciprocate.
So that, my friends, have taught me to always save my heart for myself, and to look to no one else for happiness.
