Can I just Get a Zipper? - #Wattys2015

Panic and Disorder

Most of the time I am pretty fearless about my health. But I am actually an anxious person in general day to day things. I worry about embarrassing myself, or if people like me, or if my writing is just a big steaming pile of horse manure. I worry about all kinds of things. I worry about worrying.

My husband doesn't understand why I even give any thought to some of the things I worry about. He has finally figured out that sometimes he just needs to smile, nod, and chalk it up to me just being me. Most of the times my worried little thoughts pass and my mind moves on to other topics of fretfulness.

My doctors say that anxiety can be a symptom of one of the tumors I get, called a pheochromacytoma. But I am just like this whether I have a pheo or not. I think part of it is being female, and part of it is just me. (Was that totally sexist? I dunno, I am pretty sure that it is the "caretaker" part of me that worries when my husband sets his keys down in an odd place--so that later if he can't remember where they are, I will).

Anyway, there was a time when I was a little more than a worry-wort. For many years, I had what doctors like to pass off as panic attacks. I say it that way because I am not really sure they were "just panic attacks." And that right there is why. Because the knee jerk reaction of anyone who's not in the middle of having a panic attack, is to say: "It's just a panic attack." As if having a panic attack is something you really shouldn't get your panties in a bunch over.

I just want to respond: "OK how about you go bungee jumping and while you are in free fall, screaming your heart out of your mouth, I will call you up on your cell phone and inform you that it is just bungee jumping."

Saying it's just bungee jumping won't magically transport someone from free fall to terra firma. It won't stop them from screaming, or let them pause to have a cup of tea and read the morning paper. No. They are bungee jumping!

Yes, it is a panic attack. But it is a very real thing that is happening to them, and it isn't solved by them manning up and getting over it. So, no, it is not just a panic attack.

Ok, now that I got that rant off my chest, I will admit that knowing you are having a panic attack is very helpful. A person's experience should not be trivialized, but when you realize you are not about to die or something, the attacks get easier to manage.

I like to call my attacks Day Terrors. I always felt there was a sort of nightmare component, similar to night terrors, but happening while I was awake. The psychological component of these attacks had all the hallmarks of a dream.

They always start with a sense of deja vu. I feel almost prescient. Like I have seen the events that are occurring around me before, I know what is about to happen, and what people say before they say it. I also get a sense of something I need to remember, but just can't quite grasp it. Sometimes it's like something from my past, or sometimes its like something that just happened. Like a whole long series of events unfolded, even though only a split second has passed. I am positive that an entire memory has been locked away from me, like I am having a massive brain fart. And I need to remember. So I chase the memory, trying to recall what I have forgotten. And I start freaking out because I can't.

On the physical side my body would get all the classic signs of fight or flight.

I feel a wave of heat from the core of my body and I sweat. My mouth fills with saliva, I feel like I am going to puke, my heart pounds, my stomach does flip flops. And on it goes, totally out of my control. I get the same feeling you get when you bungee jump, or when you go down the big hill on the roller coaster, just sitting at my desk, having a conversation, or driving my car.

And I was pretty good at hiding it. You would not know, to look at me, that I was in the middle of having a "panic attack." If you tried to ask me a question that required complex thought on my part, you might notice something. I might seem like a bit of a space cadet and take a moment to answer you. But the whole attack would only last a few seconds. So it was hard to really tell how functional I was during an attack, or if I was just waiting until it passed to start functioning again. I will say that I could drive a car and even make a left turn into the parking lot of my usual grocery store. Not that I tested it or anything....

Another reason why I feel there is a strong connection to dreams is because, once I had one panic attack, I would continue to have them all day long, again and again, until I had a good nights sleep. I might be a bit fuzzy headed for a few days, but once I woke up the morning my panic attacks were done until the next panic day, which could be a month or more later.

I struggled with my panic attacks for a year or so before I finally figured out the secret. There was no missing memory. It was just a sensation. Not real. In fact chasing a memory that I could not possibly remember (because it didn't exist to be remembered), was amping up the attack and making it last longer. If I relaxed and resisted the urge to remember, the whole thing was over much more quickly. I did say the attacks last only a moment, but trust me, the time they seem to take can be a whole lot longer than the time they actually take.

One of the things that really helped me was the feeling of deja vu, which always preceded an attack. I learned to switch gears as soon as I felt it. I relaxed. I breathed. I prepared myself. And I started my little mantra to prevent the memory chasing: "let it go, let it go." I got so good at stopping myself from chasing non-existent memories that I tended to avoid trying to remember anything, even when I was having a legitimate brain fart and not a panic attack.

I could suppress the mental part, but the physical part came on the same no matter what I did. But I learned to just ride it out. I have this weird confession to make. After a while the attacks were kind of fun. I am not exaggerating when I say it is that same rush you get on a roller coaster. We ride the roller coaster because we like that feeling when it's in a controlled setting. And that is exactly what I did. I controlled the setting and turned it into my very own private roller coaster.

Wouldn't you know, not long after that I just stopped having panic days.

I still never got an explanation from my doctors, it's not like they took out some offending tumor and then it all went away. They just stopped. Maybe it's just that I am getting better sleep now.

I like my Day Terrors idea. One of the many theories of dreams centers is about the purpose of nightmares. Nightmares might be your brain's way of training you for something potentially dangerous, without exposing you to the real danger. When we were cavemen it was running away from tigers. Nowadays it is showing up to school, late for an exam and naked. Our sleeping brain delivers us the scenario, with a hefty dose of panic, and then let's us figure out how best to deal with the situation. Dreams happen in a few seconds, but seem like a whole long series of events has been unfolding. Dreams fade as soon as we have had them, leaving us grasping to remember. When your dreaming your body is often "shut off," so you don't get the physical side of things manifesting while you are asleep. But if your dreams invade your waking world, then all the physical panic stuff will naturally kick it, right?

It's pretty cool when you think about it. And that is what they call attitude, and why a healthy attitude is your number one defense against health problems. Of course, in this case it just got me kicked off the roller coaster. Dang it.