Presence

Chapter Ten

Today by Troi Irons

Even though Shadow and I had gotten closer, the rest of the group hadn't. Everyone took sides in backing either Shadow or D4 and they were pretty brutal about it. Hova would spit at Shadow when he saw him in the hallway and call him a faggot. Shadow would always return with some witty comment about how D4 had come onto me and Hova would need to be restrained by whoever was closest to him.

But the worst part was that Side backed D4. The Monday after the dance he'd texted me and said that D4 and D20 were taking him to school. He avoided me in PE and ditched our after school English study group.

When I finally cornered him the next day before school he said, "You wanted it G. And if you hadn't, you would have stopped it, and you know that. Just tell your boyfriend to lay off so we can all be friends again."

I was so aghast that I couldn't choke out any words.

"That's what I thought," he'd said and jogged to catch up to D4 and the others.

It had been like this for a month and it was taking a toll on my mental health. Side had been a constant in my life for so long. He'd been the one that literally saved me from myself and now he had turned on me like I was a whining, attention seeking child. It didn't help that Shadow had needed to take on more hours at his lifeguarding job, as well as his job at the local dairy just so he could pay his increasing rent. He worked before school and right afterward so our only time together was during school and that didn't amount to much. He dragged me to meet his suppliers more and more often, saying that it was the only thing that kept him sane while juggling all the stuff he had to put up with between his jobs, school and me. It stung that he'd grouped me with "stuff he had to put up with" but I'd let it slide, not wanting to start trouble.

I couldn't fathom the turns my life had taken. Just a month ago I was excited to have real friends, but in the blink of an eye, I was back to where I was two years ago. Virtually friendless and beginning my spiral into an all too familiar darkness.

-

I handed Mr. Wilson my tardy pass and apologized. He nodded to my seat and said, "It's okay Aaron, just take your seat, we're peer editing your essays."

I could feel the stares of the class follow me to my seat and I felt like shrinking into nothingness. I had cut too deep that morning and had blacked out for a moment. The blood wouldn't clot so I'd left my house a little late.

Polen leaned over to me when I fell into my chair. I was still a bit dizzy from the blood loss so it took me a moment to register what he was saying.

"What?" I asked.

"I said, you look awful."

"Do I?" I replied and it came out uncharacteristically sarcastic.

"Yeah, you look really pale and like you haven't slept in days. Here, take my essay so it looks like we're editing." He handed me his paper, but I didn't have the energy to take out mine.

"Hey!" Polen shook my arm. "Aaron, are you okay?" Then he said under his breath, "oh shit you're bleeding."

Polen urged me out of my seat and supported me on the way to the bathrooms. "Everybody out! And you, don't let anyone in."

His voice was far away.

My sweatshirt was roughly pulled back and thrust under the faucet. I looked down and saw dark red water running down the drain. Polen pressed a wad of paper towels to my forearm, but I couldn't register the pain.

After a few minutes I was able to come back to reality. I looked at Polen, whose eyes were glistening.

"Are you crying?" I asked stupidly.

He barked a laugh, "no shit, Sherlock."

"Why?"

"Cause I like you, you blind motherfucker. I thought you were gonna die. And I always have. Liked you, I mean." He blushed violently and looked away.

I didn't know what to say. Polen? Like me? Always?

"If you like me, why were you always beating me up?" I asked.

"Cause...I don't know...I didn't want anyone to know I was...you know...gay."

I looked at him and laughed. He frowned.

"Okay, yes it was stupid. I'm sorry." He said.

I shut my mouth as my vision blurred again and I put my weight against the graffitied wall.

"Woah," Polen said and supported me from under my arms. "I think you need to go to the nurse."

"No!" I yelled. "I mean, they'd admit me to a crazy ward or something for this."

"You almost bled out in the school bathroom."

"And now it won't happen again." I knew I was being stupid, but my parents couldn't know I was cutting again, they would kill me. They also didn't need to have any reason to pay more attention to me. I couldn't let them find out I was gay.

Polen was looking at me like I was mad. "You're going to die if you keep on like this."

Maybe that's what I want, I thought and I was surprised by it. Was that really what I wanted?

"G! Babe, oh my God," Shadow gripped my shoulders, and then looked at my arm. "G, oh G. What did you do?"

Polen slipped out of the bathroom behind Shadow.

"I'm fine, Shadow. Just another thing you have to put up with." He pulled his hands away and stared at me.

"Is that how you feel?" he asked woundedly.

I hesitated.

"You think that's what I think of you?"

"No I don't think it, you said it yourself. If I'm just nothing but something to be put up with, then maybe I shouldn't burden you any longer."

"Is that what you want?"

"Stop asking me what I want! Just-just-just..." I didn't know what to say. I knew I didn't want this to be the end, but I also didn't want to be a dead weight to anyone.

Shadow looked defeated.

It broke my heart.

"Yes. This is what I want," I said.

A tear trickled down Shadow's face as he looked at me. I had to look away.

"Okay."

And then he was gone.