Presence

Chapter Twelve

Music To Die To by HelloHeathen

I made sure I was prepared the next morning. I had scribbled our three notes. One for my parents, telling them that I wished they loved me as much as I loved them. One for Side, telling him that he'd been such a great friend to me, but I was just too far gone to be fixed. I made sure not to place any blame on him because none of this was his fault. And one for Shadow, telling him that I loved him too and I was so sorry for leaving him, but I just couldn't handle this cruel thing we call life any longer.

I grabbed my razor blade.

On the kitchen table was a note from my mother. I almost threw it away without reading it, but I realized it would be my last communication with her, so I did.

"Aaron,

You know I love you, but I can't fight with your father. We can stay in touch and I'll keep funneling money into your bank account so you can stay on your feet. Let me know where you're staying. I'll always love you, baby. No matter what you are.

Love,

Mom"

I crumpled up the paper and threw it in the trash. My eyes brimmed with tears due to her lack of effort to change my dad's mind. To fight for me, her son. At least she was willing to help me.

I adjusted my backpack and took one final look at the house before I walked away.

-

I folded up my suicide notes carefully inside my locker when I got to school. I knew they'd clean it out when they found my body.

Surprisingly, I felt the most confident I ever had. Even when I attempted before, I was still unsure, but this time I knew this was what I wanted.

I went to my English class early, so as to avoid accidentally running into Side or Shadow. I didn't need them changing my mind. Mr. Wilson was more than happy to see me on time this morning.

"Hello Aaron, feeling better today?" He asked me.

"Yeah I really am." I replied with a smile.

"I have an interesting lecture planned for this morning that I think you'll enjoy."

When everyone had taken their seats Mr. Wilson cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"I'm just going to lecture at you all today because I think we all need a day off from writing and reading. I wanted to talk to you all about the importance of living in the present.

"Many times people get lost in reminiscing about the past or worrying about the future and they forget to engage in the present. All of you are too busy stressing out about how you did on your last history test or studying for your chemistry lab that afternoon. Yet, in reality, the past and future don't even exist. According to the ancient western philosopher Heraclitus, the world is in a constant state of flux and this includes time. Every moment that you live is the present. The past are just memories and pictures and maybe written words, but it's only a concept. The future is also abstract. It hasn't yet come to fruition, and by the time it does, you will be living in it and therefore it will be the present.

"So what's the point in worrying about what's happened and what may come to be if it's not yet happened or has already happened? If it's already happened, there's no way to travel back in time and change it so simply just try to change your reaction to account for it. And if it's something that might happen, why make yourself suffer twice by worrying?"

I sat up in my chair, enthralled by what Mr. Wilson was saying. He made it seem so easy to not worry about the past and future. Why cause yourself so much suffering if you can't do anything about it? Yet that was my problem.

"You kids nowadays have so many electronics. Little screens that seem to dictate your every move sometimes. But those are just tools to escape the present. If you put them away and simply be in the moment with your friends or family, you may find that you have more fun than you thought you could. You may learn to understand each other better and some people may feel less isolated and alone. All because you were present and engaged. Just talk to each other."

I didn't realize that Mr. Wilson had been talking the entire period and when the bell rang it made me jump.

"Okay, well just think about what I said and try it sometime. Have a nice day class." Mr. Wilson called as everyone gathered their things and exited.

Instead of going to my math class, I walked slowly towards that back gate of the school which bordered a small wooded area. I hopped the fence and strode a little ways into the trees. My breath was hitching in my throat as I approached the spot that I had picked out in my mind.

They would find me after school today while people walked home this way, but I would be long gone by then. I leaned against a tree and pulled out the razor blade, sinking to the leaf strewn ground. I looked at my right wrist where I had cut deep before.

I sucked in my breath and pressed the cold metal on my scar. I let out my breath and pushed down through my skin. I gasped in pain, but kept the constant pressure as I pulled the sharp edge along the length of my scar. Blood gushed like water from the gaping hole in my flesh, but the sight of it had an almost calming effect.

I paused before I moved to cut my left wrist and Mr. Wilson's words came to me. 'Every moment that you live is in the present.' And it hit me that I wasn't going to have any more presents. I wasn't going to have presents with Shadow. I wasn't going to have presents with Side. I'd have no present with children or pets. I'd have no presents traveling the world. I'd have no presents driving. I'd have no presents voting. I'd have no presents partying with my friends. I'd have no more presents.

And I realized that I wanted those presents.