Twisting and tossing in my soft bed, didn't help my unwanted thoughts to disappear. I was sure that once I reached my soft, comfortly bed that my mind would finally rest but boy was I wrong.
The softness only increased negative thoughts and for a-while I didn't mind it because it's my thoughts plus I couldn't help myself from enjoying the image of me and him being together, even if it was wishful thinking.
As the hour past, I couldn't let myself give in to something so wrong despite, how right it felt.
Especially, when in less than 24 hours he'll be here and there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening.
It's scary how a whole year went by without him. A whole freaking awesome year without him and now, that he's coming back in less than 24 hours, I can't seem to convince myself what was so awesome about it.
I don't get it, I just don't get it. How can one guy's lips affect me so much?
It was just a kiss on a one cold, snowy day with a guy that is so off limits yet, so desirable at the same time.
Life was never great to me, being adopted and all, but an amazing family took me in.
I will be forever grateful to them for raising me to be this amazing girl that gets A's in all her classes and the amazing girl that believes in herself becaue her family believes in her.
I wish I could just let this new found desire, just be a desire and forget it ever happen,at least for the family that made me who I am but some unknown reason I can't.
I don't get it, I just don't understand why I can't do the one thing that needs to be done.
I want to ... forget it, forget your wants, I whisper to myself.
I wanted to say it out loud to convince myself that my wants is the thing getting me in deep trouble, here.
No, I needed to say it out loud in a strong, determined voice, so that I will know that my wants is the one and only thing that can get me in deep, deep trouble, here.
" I, Anne Rose Pandora, will not give in to the wants of my desire to Mr.Know-It-All, for no reasons what-so-ever", I said in a loud whisper voice to myself.
Oh g-d, now I'm talking to myself great just great, this person didn't talk to me for a whole year, yet I'm still going crazy for the touch of his lips.
This person might I add could destory everything I've built for myself ever since I was a baby, yet my heart won't give in and in the battle mind over heart, my heart will win.
This person is everything that I want and need in a guy:sweet, loving, caring, understanding and most-of-all loves and cares for the real me. The real me without my guard up like a brick wall, the vulnerable me that lets go of any insecure feeling that a girl might have.
This person is the off-limits guy that my adapted parents will never forgive me for, if something more were to happen.
The kiss that happened between us was already bad, but if we continue it than it will be horrible beyond words. Uh, what am I thinking continue what, it was just a kiss and will always be just a kiss, the end. I need to sleep.
What time is it ?, I asked myself. I glanced at my alarm clock and boy did I not like what it said. Four o'clock, it's four freaking o'clock in the morning, if I don't fall asleep now, then I never will.
He is arriving here in exactly six hours and the only way to prolong this meeting is to wake-up in three hours and drive to city, thank g-d this town required age to drive is over 16.
I've arranged to meet my bestfriend, Katherine at eight in the morning, thankfully Katherine's boyfriend of a year and a half is having a party.
Katherine planned out the whole for day for us to have our girl-time, of course she had to invite four of her other friends, but that is who she is and I never asked for anything more or even less.
I always feel guilt for not telling her the whole truth about the fact that the family raised me is not my real family or about the lips that kissed my lips, the tougue that entered my mouth.
A bestfriend is suppose to be the friend that one talks to without any secrets, a friend that knows the person you are inside and outside.
Everytime, Katherine tells me something private that no-one knows that is either about her boyfriend or family problems, I just feel stricken by remorse like I can't believe I'm betraying the one person that trusts me with their secrets.
I wish I could trust her just as much, yet I can't. If I told her who has, is and will always be running through my head, she is going first, want to details, then tell me a million times how wrong it is and later, never speak to me again.
I wouldn't blame her because first that is her character, I wouldn't prefer it any other way she is who she is and second, the guy was always off the limits, he is well-liked and well respected.
Uh, those lips I can't forget how they taste, I can't forget how they feel, I can't forget how they kiss.
What do I do? i NEED go to sleep . I NEED to forget it, a year freaking passed I'm not the same girl, anymore.
People say time heals, well it didn't. People say time heals, well guess what it just didn't. People say time heals, well it didn't heal anything, just put distance between me and him.
Oh g-d I hated the distance but now that in less than six hours, he will be here, I wish for that distance.
It killed me that there a distance yet now it kills me that there will be no distance.
We could end up alone in a room together and no-one will suspect anything.
Oh g-d, alone in a room with him will no way in any shape or form happen.
I am losing my sanity for a guy, how crazy is that?
