Charlie and Miles

Miles

"But I'll be your shield. I can be your lion. I'll dry your eyes if I see you cryin'. Believe in me and I won't let you down." - Let Me Try, NateWantsToBattle.

***

I was living on cloud nine; the idea of Charlie being mine was better than any drug. I watched as he slowly got stronger and better, though no one in this case would be better. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, Morse and I had almost stabilized his situation. The chemo had worked, though with a cost. Charlie lost all of his hair and gained a bit of weight, a side effect from the chemo, a fact that left him crying at two in the morning one day.

I could hear muffled sobs as I reached his door with our coffees. Immediately, I was there, coffee carefully placed on the table by the chairs.

"Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong? What's wrong?" He pulled away from me when I reached up to touch his face, taking a blanket and covering himself with it. "Charlie, darling?" Nothing. I tapped on his shoulder, and he moved over, letting me lay next to him.

"Charlie, please talk to me, love." The sobbing quieted down, and I heard a muffled voice from the blanket.

"No."

"No?"

No answer. I sighed, ready to bring out the big guns.

"Fine. I'm watching Dan and Phil until you're ready."

I pulled out my phone, turning it down as I clicked on the YouTube app, as it was almost 2 o'clock in the morning. I clicked on the first one in my recommended, Phil's Body Issues video, and Charlie slowly pulled the blanket away, and turned to watch, still hiding himself from me by pressing into me.

"I'm fat," he whispered, his head on my arm now. It was so quiet, I almost didn't hear him, but I paused the video. "What did you say?"

"I said, I'm fat," he said, louder, angrier. "I'm bald and fat and you probably hate me."

"Um, excuse me?"

"And I'm scared that you're just pretending to like me, so I don't have to die alone, and I'm just a charity case."

"What?" My voice did not sound like my own. How dare he think like that, I thought.

"And now you're probably mad at me for doubting myself and you and everything, so if you want to leave, leave, because I don't want to hurt you with my stupidity." He hid his head in his hands again, burying himself into the blankets to escape.

"Are you kidding?"

"Because I'm stupid and fat and--" I cut off his muffled voice, turning my body to him and grabbing his hands to keep them from hiding his face. His face was tear streaked, his eyes watery, but still bright.

"Charlie, you are not fat."

"Yes I am."

"Charlie. No. You are not fat or stupid. You are beautiful and smart. So you're bald. Hair grows back. And I don't hate you. You're not going to die alone. I promise that I'm going to be here through it all."

"B-but," he stuttered.

"But nothing. You're not a charity case. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't think I could ever find someone like you."

"Miles."

"No. I'm not going to let you tear yourself down for something you can't control. That's not happening."

"Okay."

He pressed his lips to mine, and I kissed him back, not letting go of his hands. After we broke apart for some breath, I pulled him back into a cuddle, wrapping my arms around his waist, my legs tangling with his like our earbuds.

***

"So, how's dating going?" Morse and I were pouring over the chemo results. I celebrated every time I saw a previously tainted area purged of the disgusting cells.

"Pretty good. We've gone on one official date."

"That's what you were doing on the roof?"

I blushed, remembering how hard it was to set up the damned Christmas lights. "Yeah."

"Good on you. So, I was thinking, maybe the week before Christmas, he could be discharged, go back to living with his parents. Of course, you, as his boyfriend and nurse, could check on him, make sure he gets to his appointments on time."

"Week before Christmas? That's two weeks from now."

"Well, I was also thinking we could try a surgery a week from now. I've started to wean him off the chemo."

"Without consulting me?"

"Look, Miles, you're still in school. How you got this internship was a miracle in itself, but you need to accept that you don't know everything. I'm just trying to show you what a doctor truly does. Besides, I already got permission from his parents."

"You just want me to tell him."

"Look, he had a 31% chance of making it, but he's held on this long. He has a chance. Do you want to be the one to take that from him?"

That punched me in the gut. My pride and ego, my belief that I know what's best for Charlie caused me to be blind to the larger picture. Love really does blind you.

"Okay. I'll go tell him."

***

I really hate myself sometimes.