to all the boys I've loved

You

     I believe You were my original downward spiral. Not even necessarily to somewhere relatively deep. Maybe just into a small ditch. You were on fire and I was desperate to put you out and claim all the credit for saving you. You were the first person to ever hit me and make me believe that it was okay. I can still remember how the profanities you called me made my stomach drop as if a landslide had just been building up in my throat. I regret the amount of sleep I lost waiting up for your phone calls that never came. I don't regret trying to save you. I'm still hurting for you, but I'm not hurting with you; I guess that's my peace.

     I never understood what my mom meant when she told me that "you can't help people who don't want your help." Because you see, when you, with your bright blue and bloodshot eyes told me that you 'loved' me, I wanted to do everything in my power to save you from the destructive path that you were on. To save you from the home that you despised. But that life was all you knew and you chose it over me over and over again. I hadn't spoken to you in 4 years when I got the phone call that you had overdosed and were in the hospital. It took everything in me not to visit you. When your grandpa passed away, it took everything in me not to call you. And when I got a collect call from the county jail, it took everything in me not to answer. I want to help you, but you need to help yourself first. I had so much faith in you.