to all the boys I've loved

Passion

Senior year is the year they expect you to get your life together. Meeting you was single-handedly one of the best experiences I have had and simultaneously the absolute worst. 

Time has healed me, the way it always has. Every fiber in my body has been replaced since you last touched me and I feel calm knowing that in 10 years, your name will just be another. Your hands will no longer have traced the same skin, the feeling of your lips will no longer linger on mine, and the hand you used to hold will be laced in another. You were like walking into the sun after a long and cold winter. I fell for you in every way possible; entirely and hard. I loved the way your laugh spread to every single part of your face. I loved the way you spoke of the things you loved and the people you loved. I loved your family; I think that's what still haunts me most. 

I smile thinking of the months we shared together and the way you used to hold me. I think of the moments we spent together in that twin sized bed in the room you shared with your younger brother. I think of the time you held me while I cried after we fucked and I knew it was only a fuck for you.

Being with you was like starting over; I had never felt so welcomed into someone's family and friends and for that I will always be grateful. I think of the countless nights we spent together talking about how we used to kill our pain when we were younger, as if we were suddenly adults overflowing with wisdom. 

You're the first guy I had ever imagined having kids with, and it wasn't because you were perfect or because you said the right things. It's because I could imagine how It would feel to have a miniature version of you sitting in the backseat of your old station wagon with your hand in mine. 

I know now that we were just broken kids and we so desperately wanted to feel whole. You couldn't heal all of my sadness and insecurities the same way I couldn't heal the things your father did. But I loved you with everything I had in me, and for that I hold no resentment towards the time we spent together. 

You promised me you would never hurt me again, and I believed you because of those beautiful green eyes and the way your voice faltered when you said I was the one. But when I left for college and your very obvious trust issues towards me arose,  I couldn't help but feel sad. And not for me, but for you. Upon finding out about your relationship with my best friend back home just a week after you had moved me into my dorm, I couldn't cry. Fuck, did I want to cry. But I woke up and I went to class for the first time as a college student and I had never felt so full in my life. I had lost you, but there was a new life that had been waiting for me, friends I never knew I needed, a guy that I would end up falling completely and irrevocably in love with, and experiences I would've missed.

I have never poured my whole being into someone the way I did you, and maybe I never will again. That would be the cruelest punishment of all. 

But when I see your family out in town, I smile knowing that at one point they were mine. And when your little sister runs up to me and hugs my legs, begging for me to stay, I'll have to smile and offer her empty promises. 

I hope you find someone who loves you the way I did, and if you don't, I hope you find someone who loves you even more.

4/12/2017

I've been confused for a while now. Confused as you why this happened. I can handle rejection. I can. I just don't understand how we could share what we've shared and you just walked away. I deserved more. I deserved more than a text. The more I look back at our relationship, I can't decipher whether or not you truly cared for me or if you were just playing the role of my boyfriend. I also don't understand what would have hurt so bad that you felt pushing away the girl who loved you would help. I guess I'm just hoping you find incredible happiness. The kind you gave to me in the beginning. The comfort, the excitability, the attention. I hope you open your heart and not just your experiences. 

But mostly, I hope you don't become bitter. I hope you don't become like me; because I can't be touched anywhere without feeling the urge to puke. I feel like I'm being suffocated by the potential we had. I don't know how to forgive you for what you've done. I don't know how to stop panicking when I hear your name. 

I feel your arms still. I miss waking up next to you. I don't know how to be okay right now. I hope you find happiness. I do.

9/11/2017

There's a sadness that comes with the aftermath of losing a lover. I promised myself I wouldn't let you hurt me again, but it's been 4 weeks and I don't remember what your kiss feels like anymore. It could be replaced by all the liquor that has touched my lips since you left. Or all the guys whose lips have tangled with mine this weekend. I haven't cried over you since the night you left. I haven't heard from you; I guess I just didn't want to believe it. I know I can live without you because I've done it time and time again. 

But that's the thing; I didn't want to live without you. I didn't want to survive without you. I always knew you weren't ready for a love as strong as mine. You weren't ready to be loved and that's okay, I just wish you hadn't tricked me into a relationship that was dead on arrival. You had a way with words. You could use them to explain how much you wanted me, and you could use them to hurt me. But you didn't use them to leave me. It's hard fighting for someone who tells you they don't love you anymore. 

I don't know what's more tragic. Knowing we had an epic love and we lost it or knowing you will never find a person who can love you through all of your bullshit. Lord knows I tried. I remember being in that tent on that Summer night. You were the only person that mattered. I remember making love to you while you just fucked. And I cried because I loved you and you were already gone. I don't think I miss you this time around. I think I'll be okay. You never deserved my love but I don't regret giving it to you. 

I hope one day you let her in. I hope she loves you the way I did.

10/16/2017

Because I took you back. Because I will want to do it again.

To: me  

You are the strongest woman I know. And he knows. And when he comes crawling back, heart in hand, don't jump to grab it. He was so reckless with yours. You are a bright and beautiful fire that he tried putting out too many times. You deserve more than a guy who is so unsure of his feelings that he has to destroy yours. You have a tendency to forgive; that's the best thing about you. Never see it as a weakness. Always forgive. 

I don't want to see you become bitter. You always want to fix people and see the good in them. 

He's not the guy you fell in love with. He's broken promises and false statements and hurtful words. He's a broken and prideful boy. He's all these things but love. He will never be able to love you in all the ways you need. God made you into this incredible person that can take heartache and find the beauty in it. But don't take him back in the hopes that you can make something beautiful. The boy you love is gone. Don't try and save him. Don't try and find him. Hold your ground and know your worth. You can keep your memories and know that many of them were pure and happy and he has a lovely mom who understood you more than yours ever had.

But he also has hurt that you can't heal and he will drain you if you don't fight back the temptation. I know you love him but love yourself more. 

I'm sorry this happened twice.