Where is my Mind?

Chapter 2

I don't exactly remember all that happened, but I do remember waking up to my head thumping against Justyn's bare chest as he ran through the woods. I had passed out, and now he was running through the woods with me in his arms. That fact in itself was almost enough to make me pass out again, but I didn't. Maybe I should've said something to let him know that I was conscious now, but I didn't. Instead, I focused on the muscles of his chest. I was definitely used to seeing him shirtless, I mean he went shirtless all the time. But here I was, up close and personal. I remember how hot and uncomfortable the ride was, being carried through the woods. But there was also a sense of calm, knowing I was safe in his arms. I couldn't have walked myself if I'd tried, because I was still so weak. I may have passed out again, and I may have woken in up in the hospital, but again, the details are fuzzy. That day had been simultaneously horrible and amazing.
That next week when the track meet came around, we totally aced it. I remember feeling great about my race time, but I have no recollection of what place I took in the race. I can't seem to remember what Justyn placed either, but we must've both done pretty great because we had kissed afterwards. That may be the part that I remember the most.
The last track meet meant no more track, and no more track meant no more time with Justyn. He was a senior after all, and he would be going off to college while I was stuck here, left to deal with the horrors of high school.
And so we kissed for the first time, and for what I thought would also be the last. But this kissing was different that when I had had a boyfriend. These kisses had a bit of a different meaning, and while I could taste love, I could also taste the fear, the longing, and everything that could be but never would be. I did like like him now, and it'd taken the entire track season for me to realize it. And now it was too late.
We wouldn't have been able to date anyways. Mom and Dad would have never allowed it because he was too old. And besides, he was going off to college, so he wouldn't have time for a relationship. But there was the Summer.

~*~*~*~

The Summer days were hot, but the nights were cool. Behind my house and in front of my bedroom window was a hill going up, and over the hill was a field that was surrounded by woods. I had always loved visiting the field because it was like my own secret getaway. It was just the right amount of open and secluded; lots of open space, but hidden by the hill and the woods. I had never thought of sharing my secret hideout with anyone, until that Summer.
The field was a secret place, and I kept other secrets there too. Justyn was one of those secrets. Some nights, I just felt lonely and oddly not sleepy. Everyone in my house would be sound asleep, but the house itself was still wide awake, and I seemed to drive myself crazy lying in bed, listening to the old house creaks and the rhythmic ceiling fan, and the crickets humming outside. The crickets seemed to be calling for me. I'd open my window just to get some fresh air, but the wind seemed to then be tugging at me, coercing me to follow. So I'd step into my flip-flops, grab my sweater, and follow the sound of the crickets and the direction of the wind, and sure enough, just as expected, I always arrived in the field. And in that secret field awaited Justyn.
Those Summer nights were filled with deep conversations and moonlight kisses, and everything always seemed right when we were in that field together.
We renamed all of the stars ourselves because neither of us knew much about astronomy but felt that each star was worthy of having an individual name. The stars told stories, and sometimes we would just lie together in that field and listen without speaking. The stars also formed pictures like connect-the-dots, but sometimes Justyn and I didn't always see the same picture, so we would trace the constellations on each other's skin. Sometimes things made better sense when they were felt, not seen.
Some nights we danced, although we never really had music. But there was a melodic rhythm that was sort of part of the universe, and only Justyn and I seemed to understand it. We would dance through the night, wild and free, and I could feel the creatures of the night watching. But unlike the rest of the world, they seemed understand.
I had never drank alcohol before, but I decided to give it a go. I had snuck a bottle of wine out of the house one night, and although it pretty much tasted like germX and feet, we drank the whole damn bottle. And my God did we laugh. We laughed and we danced the entire night, and I bet the stars and the creatures of the night laughed too. We were silly, spinning in circles and falling over each other and sometimes the only way to stop the giggles was by kissing. Kissing only half worked to stop the uncontrollable laughter, but something about that bitter wine seemed to make the kisses a little sweeter than usual.
Summer wouldn't last forever, no matter how hard I wished upon the stars, and as the idea of going back to school and losing Justyn got nearer, the stars seemed to dim a little, as if they felt bad that they couldn't help me.
I loved every conversation with Justyn, but there was one that I dreaded, one conversation that I could hardly bear.
"Vanessa," Justyn spoke one night, his dark blue eyes filled with a seriousness that I hardly ever saw in him. "You know we can't keep doing this. Things are going to change, and I'm not going to be able to see you anymore." My face fell, but somehow he managed to pick it back up before it began burying itself into the ground. Instead, I found myself burying my face into his shoulder, and it seemed as though the crickets and the owls and all of the creatures of the night fell silent and all I could hear was the heartbeat of this amazing person that I had fallen completely in love with.
That night, I added crying in front of someone to the list of secrets that the secret field held.

~*~*~*~

    Somehow and thankfully, our goodbye didn't last. He went off to college, I was back in high school, and we both had our own separate lives, but we held the same secrets. Every now and then on weekends and holiday breaks, we would get together to hangout and it would be as if nothing had changed, except we weren't in the secret field anymore, and I was actually sleeping at night.
    When he had graduated college and I had graduated high school, we decided to move in together and everything was great. Perfect, even. I didn't understand how everything could possibly be so perfect. We didn't have a lot of money, and yet I managed to decorate the house just the way that I'd always wanted my future house to be. And even though Justyn was allergic to cats, we got a cat, but he never once showed signs of allergic reaction.
    Justyn would always wake me in the morning before heading off to work just to give me a kiss, nothing else. I pretended to always be annoyed with him for doing this, since I didn't have to be up to go to my work until earlier, but I cherished that one kiss every morning. He also never forgot to put on the coffee pot for me too, so that when I was ready to get up, it'd be waiting on me. He was the sweetest.
    Everything was perfect, but there's one particular morning that I can't exactly remember, but I know it was a morning that wasn't so perfect. I had gotten my kiss, I had gotten my coffee, and I'd gotten cuddles from the cat. So what was it that was so terrible?
The morning after that seemed just fine, but I felt a little off. There's something wrong with me, I thought.
"Honey, if you can hear me, please wake up. We're all waiting for you, worried about you." Justyn was whispering in my ear. I could also hear a quiet beeping sound coming from the other room. He must've left his video game on pause to come wake me up. But what could he be talking about? This was quite a contrast compared to our usual morning whispers. And who was we? "I don't want to lose you. Please don't go." I wasn't going anywhere, why would he be saying that? His voice sounded a little different too. It was higher and raspier than usual, even for his morning voice. I was tempted to open my eyes, but opening my eyes meant waking up completely, and I wanted to rest for just five more minutes before having to get up.
A warm drop of liquid landed upon my forehead, and I couldn't resist any longer. I opened my eyes. All around me was bright white, and the video game must've been taken off of pause because now the beeps had sped up. The man standing above me though was not Justyn.