Spare Change Critique Center

Room 102

Author: PinkCottonClouds

Genre: Short Story

Cover: I would like to know where you get your covers. They look great.

Title: Room 102

I assume this refers to the room that Pollux is being kept in? If yes, good. If no, then what's the point?

Blurb: It's short and sweet, yet still draws interest.

The Story:

† Grammar/Spelling: Strong but not perfect, the chapters could use a good proofreading, perhaps by someone else, before being published.

† Syntax: It's a strange mix of childish wording and somewhat mature descriptions. The tone needs to decide if it belongs to Pollux, or to some adult narrator. Half the time I'm reading about things that 'go boomy on his bed' and other times I'm getting the sense that someone decided to sprinkle SAT word list words liberally in order to sound more precocious. I get that Pollux is an intelligent child, but you should probably fiddle with your writing, tweak it until you find that middle ground between 'intelligent' and 'child' so your story doesn't end up reading like two different people are telling it.

† Characters:

o Pollux – Main character. I've already reviewed him for the author and can confirm that he is absolutely adorable. In this story, he acts exactly how you would expect a young kid to act, he's realistically written and still cute as heck.

o Mr. Chandler – A doctor who reads Pollux stories and seems to have a secret. Beyond that, he doesn't have much in the way of personality. However, because the story is barely started at this point, I'm willing to let that slide.

o Mr. Elliot – A sick asshole. I have nothing else to say except that I hope he goes to prison.

o The Black Box people – miscellaneous other doctors, I assume, I'm not entirely certain since there's not much in the way of explanation concerning them.

† Plot: Interesting, for there only being four chapters. There's set-up for what will hopefully be conflict in the future. I can't tell exactly what the plot is, but it's present and I can take a good guess at what the end result will be. In some stories it's best to shroud the ending in as much mystery as possible, to keep the readers interested, but in this it's fine if the ending is obvious (or if the readers' believe it is) because the story is more about the journey.

† Other: I would like to know how on Earth the police showed up in Pollux's room so fast. There was literally no warning on that and it feels like they were just shoved in there real quick so Mr. Elliot could get his comeuppance before Pollux got too hurt.

Final Verdict: 7/10- The whole thing could use polishing, but otherwise it's a good story.