DIRTY LAUNDRY

30

I'll ask you if the rain still makes you smile, like so much time that we spent in the fall •

"Yeah, just like that." He moaned out when I touched him. We were high of our asses from trying this new thing that came out, Josh's guy got us a few 'test pills'. I was pretty surprised by how fast I've fallen into it. I knew all the things and talked 'the talk' only after a week or two after first trying it.
"Alex, I've been thinking." He rolled over so he was facing me. "Since you and me are really close..."
I actually thought he was asking me to be his boyfriend. I wanted to be so bad.
"Yeah?" I waited.
"You could help me sell shit, you know... you're pretty and people like you; you're also pretty god damn convincing." He said.
I don't think I've ever been that disappointed before. He was asking me to sell stuff? Was I really worth so little to him?

I was sitting in the passenger seat of Jack's car. We were parked across the street of Josh's house. I was looking down at my shaky hands, thinking. How do I start this? What do I say? It's been two years since we've last spoken, what if he doesn't want to see me?

"I'll wait for you here, okay?" Jack said. His hand touched mine and I flinched. "Everything okay?

"Yeah, yeah. I won't be long anyway." I nodded and opened the car door. Heading to the Franceschi's home felt weird, a feeling I've almost forgotten about, yet it seemed like it was yesterday when I ran up this driveway with Josh.

"Come on!" He shouted as I was following him, running to his house. He quickly unlocked the front door, then we stormed inside, making the best of the alone time we had on our hands. He pushed me to the living room wall as our lips crashed together. My hands were already holding onto the hem of his shirt, so he lifted his arms and I pulled it off. His skin felt so good rubbing against mine. My shirt was laying next to his on the floor pretty quickly. He soon bent me over the couch and fucked me. Back then I called it making love; now I see it was nothing but lust, there was no love. At least it seems that way.

I took a deep breath and pressed on the bell button. I heard someone coming down the stairs, my palms were already sweating and my stomach was doing flips.
The door slowly opened and there he was, just the person I was looking for.
His face expression changed in two seconds. He gulped, his eyes just blankly staring into mine. He looked different.
I was just standing there, speechless. I ran out of words.

"Alex..." He said my name and suddenly broke everything in me. I felt tears forming in the back of my eyes. I just nodded with a very sour grin on my face. "What are you doing here?"

"I, uhm... I came to see you." I finally said.

"Why?" He asked. His hair was different, shorter and neatly styled. Other than that, he looked exactly how I remember him. Except the eyes, they seemed sad, giving me that empty blank look. Dark circles under them made him look tired and drained.

"I don't know." I guess I really didn't know the reason. I just felt the need to see him.

"Would you like to come in?" He asked after a few seconds of awkward stares and sour grins.

"Yeah, sure." I said and stepped inside.

"Coffee?" He asked. I nodded, following him to the kitchen. The house has changed quite a bit. I sat down at the table, where I always have.

"Thank you." I said when he put a cup of coffee on the table in front of me. Taking a seat on the other side of the table, he took a sip from his mug and looked at me.

"How've you been?" I asked him, trying to break the tension. It's so strange when you talk to someone you used to know so well but now you barely recognize them.

His mouth widened into a tiny smile. "Been better, been worse. I've been taking it one day at a time, you know." He started. "I see you're doing pretty great."

I chuckled. "I've been better as well."

"Yeah? So what have you been up to lately?" He scratched his forehead.

"I'm studying at SFU. You?" I replied.

"Taking a year off, you know, finishing bachelor's degree, then I'm moving to LA. My dad needs help with his firm." He said. It seemed to me his life was back in order and I started questioning me coming here.

"Wow, I'm really happy for you. I, uhm..." I started.

"I'm so sorry about everything." He beat me to it. "I owe you my life Alex, I'm the one that needs to apologize." He said. "You saved me, you helped me. Without you, I'd be gone."

"How could I not? I was so in love with you but you never noticed." He loved drugs more than me.

"Of course I knew. I loved you even more." He took me by surprise with those words.

"Why haven't you said anything? All you did was give me pills!" I huffed. Immediately, I regretted the words that came out of my mouth. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound so rough."

"No! You're right. I was bad for you, I dragged you down with me, having no right to do that." There were tears in his eyes.
"I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, sober life; but in order for you to get that, I had to remove myself."

"Is that why you stopped taking my calls, declined visits?" I asked. He just sadly nodded. "Who gave you the right? I cried and thought about you for months. I missed you so much and after everything I've done for you, you just cut me out of your life! It's not fair!" I was hurt, I admit. Seeing him again brought back all the repressed feelings and memories.

"I'm sorry Alex, I just didn't want to ruin your life any more than I already have. That doesn't mean I stopped loving you." There was a tear rolling down his cheek. My heart broke in half. I don't think I've seen him cry before.

"Jesus, fuck!" I buried my face into my palms, tears were already streaming down my cheeks.
I felt his hand on my head, his fingers gently going through my hair. I lifted my head up and looked at him. His palm was now resting on my cheek, his thumb wiping my tears away slowly.

"You have no idea how much I missed you." He said. A second later he was kneeling next to my chair.

He kept leaning closer until his lips touched mine. It was a quick peck that I wasn't expecting, which is why I completely froze.

I wasn't expecting any of it; him missing me, him being happy to see me, him sprinkling upon me that he loved me all along, him comforting and kissing me.

I missed him like crazy, but I love Jack more than anything and not even he can change that.

"I'm so sorry Josh, I'm glad you're okay and it was really nice to see you, but I have to go." I said, standing up and moving towards the front door.

"Wait!" He yelled after me. I stopped and turned around. "Can we have coffee sometime?"
I thought about it for a second, then nodded.

"My number is still the same." I said, opening the door.

"I still have it." He replied with a little smile.

"Okay. See you." I turned around and left after he gave me a wave. As soon as my eyes gazed upon Jack, standing next to his car, tears really started streaming down. I ran to him, wanting and needing to feel his arms wrapped around me. It's the only place where I truly felt safe.