Afternoon Snacks

Agent Bosch and the Dragon

Once upon a time, in a place not far from here, there lived a Dragon.

He was a generally marvelous beastie, all greeny-glowing with magnificent fuchsia eyes, and what's more he got along splendidly with the neighbors. Every weekend he hosted bonfires for the whole community (s'mores and refreshments provided), which were the talk of the country.

However...

 After many years, the Government began to suspect that the Dragon was contributing excessively to carbon-dioxide emissions, and ultimately Global Warming. Minorities were becoming offended and something had to be done. Finally the FBI called up one of their chief People and informed him that he was to Arrest the Dragon for tax evasion. (This was merely a shallow excuse – dragons aren't even required to pay taxes, what with their being unofficial residents and probably sort of geographical features.) But in spite of the flim-flammery, the Agent knew his duty, and hastened to gratify his economic benefactors per the status quo.

So the Agent (Bosch, Jared Bosch, I believe his name was) traveled for eighty days and seventy-nine nights (time zones, you see) until at last he found himself trudging unwillingly up the long and twisty path to the Dragon's Lair.

The Dragon was, unfortunately, napping. In addition, his last snack had been far too long ago than was perfectly wise. This made things rather uncomfortable for Agent Bosch, not to mention dangerous. However, he quelled his exceedingly sensible fears and stepped up to the door.

For quite a while Jared just stood in silence. Ordinarily he was accustomed to calling out the individual's name, or at least their title, but intel was sketchy on this Dragon. Bosch didn't know if there was a name to call out, much less whether he could even give the shout of "Dragon!" What if the Dragon had chosen to identify as a Mushroom instead? After giving the matter some thought Agent Bosch settled on a good solid knock.

Rap! Tap! Tap!

Jared was forced to wait far longer for a reply than he found convenient. He was just about to Tweet a desperate plea for entertainment when the door opened, and he beheld the Dragon in all its glowy-green glory.

"Hello..." offered Agent Bosch politely. His eyes widened alarmingly.

"I WAS NAPPING," thundered the Dragon, who really had no name after all.

Jared had no real reply to this, so merely smiled and nodded. "Do you have a moment?" he asked politely, not because he cared but because it's mildly terrifying to inform a dragon of Exile with no foundation of previous interaction. The Dragon made no reply in any case, being well acquainted with the frequent emptiness of social Niceties. Jared swallowed.

"Er... I'm here to arrest you, I'm afraid."

The Dragon gave him a hard stare, recalling a few charming anecdotes about shooting messengers and also weighing the Emotional satisfaction of roasting a G-man to a crisp. It wasn't too difficult to guess these thoughts from the expression in his Fuchsia eyes, and Jared's suit became several shades more damp.

"You... you probably should come quietly, if it's all the same to you," rasped Agent Bosch weakly. "Rest assured, I will read you all your rights, and you will receive plenty of Financial Support, in addition to a brand new iDevice."

The Dragon blinked once, unimpressed.

"...I will also say Please."

Here the Dragon did something really clever, though I would never recommend it personally. You should be very cautious about imitating such Behaviorisms, especially in stories, because in general it's highly dubious that you have developed a Discriminating Mind.

"Arrest is against my personal belief system," the Dragon informed the Agent.

This was a lie (the Dragon was really not a very nice person), but it was also just the right thing to say. Jared was of an open turn of mind, and the last thing he wanted to do was violate someone's personal beliefs. It made the whole thing quite awkward.

"Oh – oh, dear," mumbled the Agent, sweating profusely. "Do you think you might be persuaded to make an Exception...?"

This was Bosch's third mistake (or fifth, perhaps. He's made several). The whole idea of a belief system is that Exceptions are not allowed. This may seem confusing to outsiders, but is really not. Pay attention.

Anyway, the Dragon was certainly offended by now if he hadn't been before (not to mention famished). Suffice it to say that the neighbors smelled barbecue soon after, although it was not bonfire night and the Dragon did not offer refreshments when they went to enquire. Instead the Dragon went back to his nap, fully satiated.

In the end the Government divided up Agent Bosch's benefits among his Niblings, making no further attempt to Evict the Dragon. Really they were far too wimpy, seeing as Incinerations seemed to be part of the Dragon's personal belief system (and besides, those weekly s'more nights were rather convenient for the sake of the populace). So the Dragon stayed, keeping true to his (generally) pacifist principles even if he did crave barbecue now and then.

And his neighbors all survived, Acceptably Ever After.

The End