Lost In The Inbetween

We're Close, But Not That Way (Part I)

"Get a room!" a very put-off Jared said, making fun of the closeness Connor and I always enjoyed. Jared reached over to the maple table and grabbed a condensation-covered can of Sprite off of it. He popped the tab and downed the entire 12 ounces of sugar and carbonated water in two gigantic gulps. As a result, our little group of people witnessed a belch so loud and so long that it resonated within the thin walls long after it was over.

I started to twist my blue polo shirt nervously. Sure, I had liked Connor ever since he and his family moved here six months ago, but I still didn't know how he felt about me. His family moved in next door to me and my mom, so my mom insisted that we go over and greet our new neighbors. I didn't want to because small talk made me so anxious to just get it over with and go home, but it was different when I walked in the door of the Murphy home. 

Larry and Cynthia Murphy were so kind and welcoming and didn't force me to talk about myself like most adults do. I didn't get to see either of their two children until Cynthia insisted that my mom and I stay for dinner and called her children to set the table.

Both children obeyed her call haughtily. They didn't even notice the presence of two extra people in their house; it was as if they were so absorbed in their own secluded worlds that they didn't want to leave for the sake of spending time with family. That is until I tripped over my own stupid feet and pulled the two siblings out of their heads.

Zoe just looked at me curiously. Connor had to tuck his long brown hair behind his ear before he could take in my pitiful situation. That's when I met Connor's eyes for the first time. It wasn't the color that struck me first. Sure, Connor's right eye was unusual with its single brown stripe marring the otherwise breathtaking blue iris, but there was something more beyond than the simple color of his eyes. I saw the pain of someone who had lived through too much all at once. I saw a cry for help that couldn't be voiced. But most of all, I saw a boy who needed someone to tell him that he was loved.

"How'd you break your arm?" Connor asks, pulling me out of the trance of his eyes. I stood up then slouched, trying to shrink into myself. Instead of looking him in the eyes like a capable human being, I caught myself staring at his heavily worn black combat boots.

"I, um, fell out of a tree," I said lamely.

"That is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard," Connor laughed. I chuckled nervously with him.

"Connor! Language!" Cynthia cried, attempting to prove to the Hansens that her children were capable of behaving themselves. Connor ignored her and sat down, ignoring her request to set the table. He looked back at me and winked, making my heart flutter in my chest. It was from that moment onward that I knew I was in love with Connor.

"How about you worry more about your bath bomb addiction than what's going on between Evan and me?" Connor shot back at Jared, shaking me from my memories. As Zoe and Alana started to laugh at Jared's expense, Connor reached over to hold my hand. I met his eyes as he looked at me with complete tenderness, ensuring that I wasn't too startled by Jared's comment. I nodded at him, telling him silently that I wasn't too flustered. He didn't say we weren't a thing. But he didn't say we were either. I was so frustrated.

I breathed deeply, catching the scent of stale pizza as I rested my elbows on the light blue shag carpet of my living room, still holding Connor's hand. I was so fortunate to have this lovely group of friends. Connor was the one who really helped me befriend people. Connor and I became close soon after we met. He was my very first real friend. Nobody else understood me quite as well as he did.

He always helped me during my panic attacks, holding me close to him and letting me breathe in his scent as I calmed down. I was always there for Connor when he needed to talk after his parents had a particularly bad fight. He was the best friend I could ever ask for, and I had to go and fall head over heels for him.

Connor also helped me to talk to other people and develop a friend group. Jared and I grew closer and he started to spend time with Connor and me without making any comments about his car insurance. Connor most likely beat Jared up about it, but I was touched nonetheless. Connor also convinced Zoe to hang out with us, and it just so happened that she enjoyed spending time with me and vice versa. Zoe eventually started dating a girl named Alana--whom I had known previously as more of an acquaintance--so we became friends as well. 

My mom was so proud of me for finally stepping outside of my shell, so she insisted that I invite them all over for a party at our house. The same party in which my heart would be broken.

"Hey, Con," Zoe said, standing up suddenly. "You should come help me in the kitchen for a second."

"Why? What do you need in there?" Connor asked.

"That's for me to know and you to find out," Zoe said smartly. Connor groaned and leaned against me.

"But that would mean that I have to get up and this pillow is so comfortable," he said, tickling me between my ribs.

"Connor!" I laughed. "Stop! I'm not your pillow!" I said, trying to throw his hands off of me.

"This is a wiggly pillow," Connor said, pretending he didn't know the difference between my body and a pillow.

"You two are so adorable," Alana commented, which earned her an annoyed look from her girlfriend.

"Connor, seriously," Zoe said as she rolled her eyes. Connor groaned again before getting up to help her.

I tried to pay attention to Jared and Alana's conversation but failed once I heard my name dropped in Zoe and Connor's hushed conversation. I hated eavesdropping, but justified myself because they were talking about me and I deserved to know what they were saying about me didn't I?

"Will you quit jerking his chain then? If he doesn't have a shot with you then stop teasing him," Zoe said, trying to maintain a hushed tone but failing miserably.

"I'm not teasing him. There's nothing between us, I promise. I'd never touch him," Connor said. He sounded so sincere, so passionate. He meant every word that he said.