Lost In The Inbetween

We're Close, But Not That Way (Part II)

"I'm not teasing him. There's nothing between us, I promise. I'd never touch him," Connor said. He sounded so sincere, so passionate. He meant every word that he said. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go sit in my room and cry, but I couldn't. This was my house, my party. I couldn't leave until every last one of my guests did.

As Connor and Zoe walked back into the living room, I felt my head start to spin. My thoughts started to speed up inside my head.

Connor never wanted to be with you.

He doesn't want to even touch you.

You're so disgusting.

Who would want to be with you, you stupid oaf?

I slammed my hands over my ears, trying desperately to make my thoughts slow down and retreat back down whatever dark pit they came from. I knew how this would end. I knew how this ended every time. It ended with Connor's black hoodie soaked with tears under my face as I breathed in the strangely comforting scent of wood smoke and ice, two scents that only worked well on Connor's body. I didn't want it to end that way. I wanted nothing more than to escape and never see Connor again.

My breathing started getting faster, faster, faster. My muscles tensed up, starting with my shoulders until my toes were curled under trying to save me from my own thoughts. It was now or never; I had to run before Connor could rescue me from yet another panic attack.

I rose from the floor, my arms hanging limply beside me. I walked calmly to the front door, opened it, walked out into the fridged night air, closed the heavy door behind me, and ran into the dark.

I didn't care where I went, just as long as I didn't have to see Connor's hauntingly beautiful face. I had always dreamed of a day where I would be able to trace his sharp jawline with my fingers and tell him how much I loved him. I wanted to be the reason he smiled every day. But there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather.

I looked up, my eyes stinging from tears that would not release themselves from my eyes. I had to laugh. Of course, the place my feet decided to take me to was the old apple orchard near my neighborhood. This was the apple orchard Connor had taken me to after we ate ice cream at A La Mode early last June.

I tried so hard to get away from him and any memory of him, but I couldn't. He was so much a part of my life that nearly anything I experienced would somehow be linked to him.

It was the tipping point. I finally broke down and suffered the spasms of a panic attack laying cold and alone on the brittle brown September grass.

As I was finally starting to calm down, the bastard found me.

"Evan? Evan, is that you?" he called. Recognizing my limp form, Connor ran over to me. He pulled my sniveling face into his hoodie and wrapped me in a warm embrace. I stiffened in his arms, not letting myself settle into his comforting body. Connor sensed my reluctance instantly.

"Evan? Did I do something wrong?" Connor asked. He unwrapped his arms from around me, freeing me from his tender embrace. Instead, he put his hands firmly on my shoulders, forcing me to face him.

"It's, um, fine. You didn't, you didn't do anything," I said in a leaden tone. I couldn't tell him why I had this panic attack. He'd laugh and call me names, just like people did before Connor befriended me. Connor moved one of his hands off of my shoulder to intertwine his fingers with mine. I met his eyes. They pleaded me in all their beautiful splendor to tell him what was wrong.

I stopped crying. In that moment, I realized I wasn't pitying myself or even sad that I had wasted so much time pining for Connor. I was furious. I threw his hand away from mine.

"You know what? You did do something wrong," I said, not meeting Connor's eyes. Connor shuffled back a few steps, not expecting my outburst. I summoned all the courage my rage had left in my body. "You led me on."

Connor's face crumpled.

"I led you on! We can't be together, so get the fuck over yourself and move on with your life," Connor yelled, just as furious as I was.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I ran off for a second time, this time to a place that would hopefully have no ties to Connor.