you'll kill me if you stop ☼ call me by your name & kill your darlings

three

we exited the room quickly, oliver's hand still on my back. i loved him touching me. i loved it so much i felt guilty for loving it, so i turned around as if to see if my shirt was still tucked in, which i knew it was, but i folded my body in a way that made oliver drop his hand from my back. 

"i'm guessing you're not much of a drinker, either, huh?" he asked me. he pushed open a pair of heavy doors and we stepped outside. 

the rush of cold air woke me from whatever i was thinking about, and i realized that he was mocking me. 

"i could go for a drink," i said. "i'm 18. i drink," i added. everything i said sounded like i was proving myself to him, which i was, in a way, but if we were going to continue to spend time around him, or even not, i didn't just want to always be trying to validate myself. 

"great. let's get a drink."

"let's," i echoed him. 

it was then that i noticed the star of david hanging around his neck. i looked down at my chest and rolled my eyes when i realized i had yet to unpack my precious star of david. idiot. 

"you're jewish," i said. 

"surprised?" we started to walk slower, like he was putting off crossing the street to enter the only bar a short walking distance from campus. i do my research. 

"no, i just didn't know."

he laughed and started to play with the chain, then he kicked the same pebble for the third time before we made it to the other side of the street, and he was forced to leave the small rock behind.

i looked up at him. "why are you laughing?"

he shook his head and looked up at the bar. "there's a lot of things you don't know about me," he replied in his mysterious, almost flirtatious tone, though i didn't want to use that word even in my head. it sounded dirty. 

i had to keep reminding myself that we only just met, even though every time i saw him it was like i was remembering him from somewhere instead of meeting him for the first time. 

"what things don't i know?" i asked, imitating his tone, exaggerating the charming yet concealing manner of his speech. 

he didn't reply. instead, he turned around to someone who had just shouted his name, someone he obviously knew. 

"hey, randy!" oliver yelled back, waiting for this "randy" to catch up to us. he had a cigarette in his mouth, but the more i looked at it, i questioned the substance he was inhaling. 

"elio, meet randal. randal, my dear friend elio perlman." 

i shook randy's hand, smiling kindly, even though the smile was mostly from oliver remembering my last name. 

"you going to the sax with us?" oliver asked, making room for randal right in between us. it felt like he was cutting me off on purpose, like he needed a break from me, time with someone of his own intellectual and social status. 

"yeah, i was going to follow you but i assumed that..." he trailed off, using random hand motions to indicate what he was trying to say,"i got distracted with the cannabis," he finished, offering what i now knew was a blunt to oliver. he turned it down.

"sorry, gent," oliver said.

"oh come on, you're not the party boy you used to be," randy said, taking a drag of the blunt. fittingly, he tripped on the pavement, and oliver had swung randy's arm around his shoulder.

i rubbed my neck and suddenly regretted escaping oliver's touch earlier. 

we approached the entrance of the saxophone, and as oliver pushed open the heavy door, the sound of saturated jazz and alcohol filled my nose. it is safe to say that my afternoon would have gone fairy differently if i went to the freshman social.