you'll kill me if you stop ☼ call me by your name & kill your darlings

four

oliver and i rode the subway down to my house. randy had work to do, but i could tell he didn't want to go anyway. for some reason, oliver was incredibly intrigued by my disaster of a family.

we rode the subway in horrifying silence. oliver had taken me into his world and effortlessly introduced me to it, but once we were in my territory, i had no idea how to talk to him. i didn't know how to start a sentence, to speak to him as intelligently as he had to me, and i hated myself for it.

i burst through the door, apologies for my mom already pouring out of my mouth. oliver followed slowly, afraid of intruding on whatever was about to occur. my dad was in the kitchen using our telephone.

"where's mom?" i asked.

he gave me a look that was as if to say "i'm busy." then he gave oliver a look, no words attached, just a confused and agitated glance.

so i stood in front of the door, standing next to oliver, who's blonde hair and large build made him look helplessly out of place. about two minutes later, dad hung up the phone. i couldn't tell what he was discussing or with whom he was talking.

"where's mom," i repeated, this time a demand rather than a question.

"she's at a home," he said calmly, "she's going to be taken care of there, you know she was unstable-"

"i don't understand, you sent her off to a senior center? a hospital? what's going on?" i had a rock in my lungs.

"ellie bellie-"

"don't call me that," i retorted.

"she's at a mental facility. she's going to get help there. i did this for her."

"no," i scoffed, "you just did it for yourself. you can be so selfish sometimes, you know that?"

"elio," he started, but i was already marching to the back door. i didn't want his explanation, his sob story, always twisting the truth. at that moment, i hated him.

i burst open the screen door to our backyard, sliding it apart and leaving it open for oliver, who thankfully closed it behind him, as well as the glass door that sealed us apart from the rest of the world.

my legs collapsed beneath me and i deflated to the grass, sinking into the crisp ground. i started to cry uncontrollably.

"it's all my fault," i said gasping for breath in between sobs. "i should've remembered to come home to her. i just left her there."

oliver didn't reply. he sat down on the porch steps leading to the grass. i pulled myself off the ground and sat facing him.

"i can't believe i let him just toss her out like that."

he took a deep breath, rubbing his neck, and looked up at the emerging stars. the sun had set, and i felt like i was talking to his shadow rather than himself.

"even if you had come earlier, that wouldn't stop him from doing anything tomorrow. or the next day."

i allowed myself to laugh and wiped my eyes. "this complicated enough for you?"

"come here," he said, patting the seat next to him. i felt patronized. i shook my head. "fine," he said.

he stood up and lay down on the grass next to me, his hands behind his head like he was on a lounge chair. "you couldn't have felt responsible for your mom for your whole life," he finally said. "there are some things, some people even, who eventually, you have to let go."

"i'm not ready," i said.

oliver turned his head to the side and looked at me. i didn't want his pity. who was this boy? willing to come to my house after only meeting that day, who makes everyone who even glances at him fall in love with him? and what happens when i give in, when i break a hole in the dam i've built for myself that stops anyone outside my family from getting to know me? will my river overflow? or will the gentle stream of oliver's fascination with life itself only enhance mine?

"sometimes, most of the time, you're not ready for big changes in your life. someone leaving it, or even coming in... we're never really ready," he stopped and sighed. "we just have to accept it and move forward the best we can."

i gave in. at that moment, everything i was holding inside me exploded, the stress from taking care of my mother, the never-ending quest to impress my father, the hesitation from the day spent with this amazing stranger, everything blew into a million tiny pieces.

i crawled over to oliver and rested my head next to his shoulder. "easier said than done," i said. i was lying of course. it was incredibly easy, i had just done it.

he chuckled. "perhaps."

we lay there, staring up at the sky, always changing, always the same. some things just come in and out of view, some are never really gone, and others were always there in the first place.

"i love this," i said.

"what? like, us?"

"everything."

oliver let out a breath. the whole world seemed to be silent, and i was too terrified to move and disrupt it. i wanted to kiss him. i wondered if he wanted to kiss me.

he turned his head and moved my hair out of my eyes.

"you're a good kid, elio," he said. "don't put so much pressure on yourself all the time."

i didn't reply.

"we should head back."

i wasn't ready to go back. i thought that if i ever let him out of my sight, then i'd lose him. i had already lost enough that day. "yeah," i replied.

he stood up and held out his arm for me. i took it. i stood up. we headed back.