Dreaming Of More Than Just A White Christmas {Phan} (Book Four)

🎄Six🎄

"Why the fuck do you make this so hard?" I asked the black-haired and blue-eyed man that was currently laying in bed, the bed that we hardly even shared anymore, hungover and having ignored my demand for him to not come back home for a while. I know that I should've stuck to my word and told him to go somewhere else, but I just couldn't do it. The look that he gave me as he begged for me to let him in made me unable to say "no." Plus, it was freezing outside, and I would be such a horrible husband if I left him to just wander around out in the cold. The guilt I would feel if he ended up freezing to death had I not let him back inside would eat me alive until the day I died, and even though Phil's recent actions have made me anything but happy, my unconditional love for him always prevailed, and I both loved and loathed it. "You know, the only reason I even stay with you is because I love you. I could've, and maybe even should've, left you a long time ago, but I didn't. I didn't because I had faith in you, faith that you would get better one day, faith that things would go back to the way that they used to be, and faith that you would conquer your demons once and for all."
Phil laid there in stunned silence as his mind scrambled for what to say. Before he finally spoke, he placed a hand over his forehead, presumably to help himself deal with the throbbing headache he was more than likely having. "Shit, "I'm sorry" probably doesn't even cut it anymore, doesn't it?"
"No, it hasn't cut it for a very long time now." I said as I crossed my arms and shook my head. "Your apologies have gone from being completely sincere to absolutely meaningless ever since this whole alcohol abuse bullshit started. If I had a pound for every time that you've said "I'm sorry" to me, I would have enough to get a divorce."
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach when I said this.
Divorce.
Why did I say it without even having to think about it?
Surely it wasn't something that I wanted.
Was it?
"Dan..." Phil trailed off as his voice cracked and tears began forming in his eyes. "You don't mean that, do you?"
"I..." I trailed off as well, unsure of the answer myself. "I don't even know anymore. I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do, and I don't know what I need. For the past few months, I've just been existing. Not living, but existing. And by that, I mean that I've been going through life just slowly watching the days, which have slowly just merged together, pass me by as false hope and broken promises keep plaguing me."
"Fuck, I'm such a horrible husband." Phil whispered, which was more to himself than it was to me. "I can't believe going off and disregarding your feelings because the only thing I'm thinking about is myself and drowning out all of the demons and voices that are screaming at me in my mind. How could I continue to be so inconsiderate and insensitive? I'm literally breaking the vows that we made to each other on our wedding day pretty much on a daily basis now. God, I'm such a piece of shit. How could I let it get this bad? How could I be so stupid? Holy shit, I wish more than anything to go back in time and change everything. I would go back and never take that dreaded first drink that eventually made me spiral out of the control, I would go back and never even step foot into that fucking bar, and I would go back and immediately write off drinking to see if it would help ease the pain."
"You can't change the past, Phil." I simply stated. "You can only change the future."
"That's easier said than done."
"Yeah, but if you truly cared about fixing everything you've destroyed and saving our marriage, you wouldn't care how hard it would be." I turned away from him, unable to bear looking at him anymore. "You would everything in your power to try and make everything right, and you know why you would do that?" I didn't bother waiting for him to respond. "You would do that because you cared about at least trying to mend things with the person you love so much. You would do that because the guilt of all of the pain you inflicted eats you alive every single day. You would do that because you want nothing more than for things to go back to the way they used to be."
"You're right." Phil said as he let out a sigh. "You're right just like you always are."
I shrugged as I continued looking away from him.
"Dan, please..." Phil begged, the desperation he was currently feeling obvious in his voice. "Please look at me. Or at least talk to me."
"Why should I?" I asked, a cold tone in my voice. "I don't want to see your stupid face and I have nothing that I want to say to you, so there's no reason why I should look at you or say anything to you."
Phil sighed, but didn't say anything else after that.