The End
So here it is, poor Pluto, now relegated from frozen planet to just a rock of ice. But they've forgotten me and my bloody dog, the only two inhabitants of this so called rock, left here to float in the misery of loneliness. The friggers. No it all, no nothing scientists. I was horrified when I woke up and checked yahoo! News and found that they had decided that my home was just a rock of ice. It has always been a perfectly good planet. It has two countries, a sea, some plants, a hotel and a waterfall and so they're all frozen. WHO CARES? except them nerdy, greasy scientists.
I want revenge!
Imagine if your country was declared not to be a country at all. You'd be furious wouldn't you? And I, Dr Gunter von Donkey, ex scientist, most certainly am as angry as a lesbian. I hate science and I hate, hate, hate, hate scientists. I might even start my own religion to annoy them, a new cult of Pluto's moon, something glamorous. But that won't work, it has to be bolder, it has to be a huge cosmic middle finger stuck up at Earth's scientists.
So I must think, think, think...
I've got it!!!
I will make Pluto an undeniable planet. Give Pluto back her hard earned intergalactic status. I can do it too, after all there must be some knowledge in this 90 year old brain, the old crank shaft hasn't started missing the flange just yet. I will heat Pluto up. Then the frozen sea will melt, the frozen trees will thaw, the frozen hotel will re-open, I'll name the two countries; the first Guntmany and the second one, Rovemany. Then they'll be shuttle queues are the rock, everyone will want to come to Gunter's Hotel in Gunterville in the country of Guntmany and I will allow them. But when a scientist applies for either a Guntman Visa or a Roveman Visa I will say 'bollocks' and 'up your arse' because as far as you're concerned we are not a planet so 'bugger off.'
By the way, I don't mean to be rude, but how did you get here?
Oh it's like that is it? Sounds awful but you were right to come here. Mars, as it is full of Martians and Earth as it is full of the French, I don't blame you from getting away from it all. Besides you'll have fun here - I've heard us Plutonians are explosive company! Hahahaha. Get it? explosive company... like plutonium!! Oh God, I'm splitting my own sides!!!
I have somethings I can use. Important things, things I brought here when I came from my birth planet which is a nice place but has strange people. All of them are heavy smokers and with there being no air currents or wind, the smoke clings on, they all looked like little sheep. Eventually whole cities turned yellow and the ground started to crisp up. Since I was the only non-smoker on the whole planet, I decided to take a change of scenery, take a vacation and I'd always wanted to go skiing, so I packed my things, got into my flying saucer and set off for Pluto. Me and Rover simply loved it! And so we never left. Ofcourse we looked around for a Real Estate Agent but since we were the only living creatures on the planet we couldn't find one so we thought we could just have the lot. The whole planet.
What did you say? Oh yes, I got carried away. The things. The things I brought with me are nearly all about as practical as a thong on a woman with one arse cheek. - I brought two tennis rackets and a ball, but he refuses to play! When I serve and sometimes they're brilliant serves, serves that would take Rafeal Nadal off his feet, Rover throws down his racket, gets hold of the ball and brings it to me. - I brought my credit card and my cheque book. I didn't bring any food which was silly of me but if you lick the ice over a frozen plant you can get a few odd nutrients from that, though you have to be careful not to get your tongue stuck, eh Rover? he's always getting his tongue stuck. Other than that I brought some coffee and a kettle and a twenty tonne hyper-thermal-planetary-moving-thrust-combustion engine. I brought a pair of sunglasses, Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits, two pairs of clean underwear (which I clean in the kettle, before you say anything,) and my goldfish, in it's bowl, alas, the goldfish has not survived, frozen solid within hours.
There is no need to be like that, the heat of the boiling water kills the bacteria. What? I thought everyone liked Mariah Carey after all she is the best selling female recording artist in the universe. How dare you? I am not to old the listen to her, to be slightly deaf improves the experience.
Would you like some coffee? I keep it over there, by that twisted tree... in that part of this bleak, hideous, cold abyss.
So here's what I will do. I will embed the aluminium girders in the planets ice crust. Then I'll turn the machine on by pressing the yellow button . The thrust will build and rumble loudly to a start and once the thrust power is at full capacity, you are in charge. I'll leave it to you to press the green button to reverse the thrust and the PLANET will move towards the sun. Otherwise there's always the red button, that will stop the machine if you get too frightened. But once you press the red button the green button will not work and obviously it works both ways once you press the green button you can't press the red one. I didn't have enough wire to make a proper circuit.
It takes a couple of minutes to warm up. Once the engines are roaring Pluto will move towards the sun and as it does, as we make our slow assent through the solar system, we will defrost and be recognised as and actual life giving, legally and scientifically defined planet.
There is only one catch: we might die.
Do you ever stop asking questions?
The big machine might blow up; it does have to get awfully hot before it will work. Plus I didn't exactly test it on my own planet did I!? that would have been ridiculous. Or it might fling us head on into the sun, if it's too powerful. Then the sun will blow up and that will destroy the solar system, including Earth and Mars and all the others. Or Pluto may drop out of orbit altogether, if it moves outside of it's field of gravity and then it would fall and fall forever into infinity and the infinitely expanding universe.
You get hold of that end. Pull the lever on the leg and the drill will automatically bore it into the ice. You see? That's it, it works perfectly.
Is that all of them? Good. Now let's climb these steps into the into the command centre. I decorated it myself, the red walls look like paint but they are actually wallpaper and the stand in the centre there is made of solid gold. It is very posh, I decided to make it as posh as possible to give it the authority it requires. I'll press the yellow button and get her fired up- there. I don't know why it's shaking. Or why IT'S SO NOISY. I don't know everything. Stop asking so many questions! I'm not sure but I think this sort of thing always happens to new machines, pieces always drop off.
Okay, I'll leave it to you, you're the boss now. Which button will you press?
Red Button- Oh well, that was very clever. Now we're stuck here, forever, on this hideous old rock, wait not rock, it isn't even a rock, because of you're stupidity, we are stuck on a lump of ice forever!
Ha! You cannot fly home in your rocket because I used all your fuel and all my fuel to power the hyper-thermal-planetary-moving-thrust-combu-comb-com-bugger it. This useless thing! And it's all your fault! Look even Rover's mad at you! He bites too!
Green Button - That's it! We're moving! It works. I am the most incredible genius in all of history, my name will be written next to the greatest scientists in history.
Oh no! Oh no! we're going to fast. Ofcourse the red button doesn't work now. Look what you have done, everything's melting, it's all pouring away. Remind me next time I have an intergalactic problem not to consult and intergalactic idiot to solve it! It's hot, hot, hot, the sun, it's so hot!
