Insomnolence |Ryden AU| ✔️

~18~

Exhaustion is like a drug.  Your first all-nighter might be fun, might give you a bit of an adrenaline rush, but the moment you can't close your eyes to shut out the darkness every night, it takes its toll on you.  You grow weak.  You grow irritable.  Every last bit of energy drains from your mind and body, and your soul dissipates to nothing inside your chest.  It's like you're living in a shell of your former self, and there's nothing you can do to save yourself.

I haven't slept in days, and even when I do, agonizing nightmares of watching my Ryan die and hearing that piercing flatline jolts me awake again.  I'm faced with perpetual darkness.  Even in the daylight, there's always a shadow of fear that's following me around, and it won't leave me alone.

Kind of ironic that the terrible thing that happens to my patients is now happening to me, huh?

It's been six weeks.  Six long, painful, torturous weeks of sitting there and watching as my Ryan lies unconscious, struggling to stay in the fight.  People keep telling me he's not going to make it; I ignore them.  Even when the darkest thoughts creep into my mind, I still hold onto the little hope I have left.  He's going to make it.  He's going to be okay.  Nothing can stop him from fighting through this.  I believe in him.

I can't tell you how many times I've nearly gotten fired.  I've even almost lost my clinic because I haven't been able to pay the bills for it.  All of my money has been going to the hospital, but they can take my clinic if they want to.  I don't care anymore.  I can't stop paying the hospital, otherwise they'll toss us out onto the streets.  Dr. Holland made that very clear, and God, I can't give up on my Ryan now.  He's not giving up on me, and I'll never do the same to him.

Both Sarah and I have been sick for who knows how long.  All this nonstop work and overtimes and sleepless nights are destroying us, but we can't back down.  Every penny we make goes directly to the hospital.  No free time, no hobbies, barely any food.  The thought of eating something hot and feeling it slide down into my nauseous stomach makes me feel ill.  I can hardly eat anything anymore.

Now I know exactly what he was going through.

God, if only I could have done more to help him.

My days are spent tirelessly working to earn money and keep him alive, and my nights are spent at his side.  I don't get up.  I don't leave him.  I don't even go to the bathroom if I can avoid it.  I stay at his side all night long, holding his cold hand in my own, kissing his skin, stroking his arm, brushing the hair from his face.  I hate seeing him strapped up and hooked up to all these machines.  It makes it seem like he's actually....

No, I remember I promised myself I wasn't going to think about that.  It's too difficult.  I can't do it.

Sarah drops off red and white roses every once in a while, giving my daffodils company.  The silent room has an unmistakable scent of flowers and hospital cleanliness, and it's quite the combination.  Sterile air mixed with floral beauty.  I'm not sure if I enjoy it or not.

God, I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this.  All the sleepless nights and the nightmares and the paralyzing fears of him never waking up and the jobs and the money stress....I can't do this anymore.  How am I supposed to go on like this?  What if he never wakes up?  What if he's forced to keep living inside his own conscience, trapped in a dark coma with no chance of ever seeing daylight again?  What if I never see his smile again?  What if I never see his beautiful eyes again?  What if I never hear his soft voice again, or his laugh?

What if I never see my Ryan alive ever again?

I've heard about people who never wake up from comas.  The hospital either keeps them on a lifeline forever, or they pull the plug and let them die, and I'm not sure which is worse.  If there's no chance of them ever waking up, why would you put yourself through that pain of seeing them lifeless every day?  Wouldn't it be better to just say goodbye?  I suppose some people might be scared of letting go.  I understand that.  If Dr. Holland ever told me that there's a chance he'll never wake up....I don't know what I'd do.

I wouldn't want to let go, either.

But as I stare at his pale, blank face, I can't stop the petrifying fear from clawing its way through to my heart.  He might never wake up.  I heard the other doctors talking.  He has a serious brain injury.  Awful trauma to his body.  Even some of his organs are damaged, and even though they managed to keep him from dying because of it....he still might never open his eyes again.  The amount of trauma to his head is....

I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep pretending to be strong when all I want to do is crawl into a corner and hide, sob and scream until my voice abandons me, weep for the loss of my Ryan.  He may still be here, but is he really here?  He's trapped inside a coma, unresponsive to anything the doctors try.  He can't feel my presence.  He doesn't know I'm here.  He can't hear me.  He can't do anything, because he's dying in front of my own eyes, and I'm just too afraid of letting go to believe it.

How am I supposed to deal with this?

I'm too blinded by my own tears to notice Dr. Holland entering the room.  His footsteps are silent against the linoleum floor, his face somber as he stares down at the pitiful scene before him.  I feel like I mess.  I look like a mess, because what am I supposed to do?  I can't bear the thought of going through day after day of pure agony.  I can't stand seeing my Ryan like this.  I just want it to end.  Please, God, let it end....

Dr. Holland clears his throat, his pristine white coat making him feel like the enemy to me.  Can't they do something more to help my Ryan?

As he speaks, a weight drops down on my chest, my soul, and once again, everything feels like it's collapsing down on top of me.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Urie....but I don't think he's going to make it."

~~~~~

Oof.  This chapter hurts.  I sincerely apologize for any heart trauma I've caused

We're less than 100 reads from 1k???  What is this???  I'm so eternally grateful???  We gon' throw a party when that happens mkay?  Get ready.  I don't know how but we'll do it

So I got a ukulele for Christmas (and I already have a guitar, but speaking of what did y'all get for Christmas?  I'm curious :D) and I'm already learning the chords for House of Gold.  You know how it goes.  I'm also trying to learn the guitar part for Disenchanted because *eargasm* I love it so much

Hopefully you guys had an amazing holiday, and I'm so ready for 2018.  2017 was by far the worst year of my life, so I'm excited for a fresh start.  I've come a long ways on Wattpad in just a few short months though, so I can't wait to see what 2018 holds.  I hope you all come on this journey with me :)

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