Life of a medical student

Ranting with twist

Life of a medical student Part 3: December 2017

Current activity: Bored out of my mind at work (a day shift).

Pro: I get paid for this.

Con: I have already stated above that I am BORED. OUT. OF. MY. MIND.

Music track: "I am your gummy bear" by Gummibär (this tune, of which I know two lines of the lyrics, is currently stuck in my head).

So...background information: I work part time for a pathology laboratory as a medical student/ phlebotomist. Basically doctors order blood tests – I draw the blood – the lab technicians do the tests and send the results back to the doctor. Pretty straight forward. No paper work on my side which is great I tell you! I usually work 12 hour night shifts which perfectly fits in my schedule as it doesn't clash with varsity lectures (not that I attend) or work.

Patients probably don't like me (well maybe not me particularly but what I do) cuz let's be honest – who would favour someone who wakes them up at three or four am to prick them with needles for blood. I have been called numerous things by all sorts of angry, understanding or confused patients. My names include: Dracula (of which I am inclined to inform the patient that I am in fact a legal vampire), Satan (this one came as quiet a surprise. The patient was an old lady in her late 90s. One minute she is giggling like a school girl and the next she is screaming GET AWAY FROM ME SATAN! That was definitely a first for me), Betsy (another confused patient) and doctor (yeah that gets kind of awkward as I am not yet a doctor). I get called pretty once in a while...so that's nice.

Well today is not one of my usual shifts. Why you may ask? I shall tell you my dear fellow; just read on. Because it's a fucking day shift! DAY SHIFT! I can literally feel the minutes and hours tick by at an unbearably slow pace. I have been placed in trauma. Now don't get me wrong I usually love the emergency room. It's bound to be exciting with patients being rushed in due to car accidents or just casually walking in inebriated and looking like they just walked out of a zombie attack. You get all sorts of fascinating characters. But day shift? Urgh. And in a private hospital trauma they don't let you do anything. So I just have to sit in a side room and await my call if they require for blood to be drawn. I wish I had something to study as it makes time fly by faster but it's currently holiday and I'm dead beat lazy.

So what can I do to pass the time... Read? Been doing that. Write? Currently attempting that but as you can clearly see I am lacking inspiration. And am in dire need of a drink. Coffee? I bought one from the hospital coffee shop – bad idea. Yeah yeah I'm a coffee snob I already know this. And look at that! It is 10:32. Only seven and a half hours to go. Kill. Me. Now. Okay I think that's enough with the dramatics for today. That's my sister's forte anyway.

Time for some philosophical brooding and self reflection (que in intensely intensifying music – haha I love it when they have that written as subtitles in movies).

Topic of dicussion: "A new earth" by Eckhart Tolle. The author of this book identifies himself as a contemporary spiritual teacher and is known for his most established book "The power of now" which I have yet to read. "A new earth" is a fascinating read. I've been busy with it for over a month now. I'm actually a fast reader but this one has a lot to process. Ironically the friend who recommended this novel to me did not really understand what it was about. She was under the impression that it was about the Buddhism way of life and didn't focus on religion. I beg to differ. This book is more about self and "I am". It quotes prophets from various religions that coincide with it's teachings as it's most likely more relatable to the general public. Then again all religious books such as the Torah and the Bible consist of lines that can he interpreted in various ways so I don't regard highly of anyone using religion as justifications for their actions in general. That's besides the point though.

What sparked my interest (other than my general interest in psychology and philosophy) was the definition of the ego. This novel hold nothing that I don't already know but sometimes the wording makes all the difference and it feels as if you are being educated and enlightened for the first time. My mother is spiritual in nature and a lot of her knowledge and method of upbringing has influenced me today. But a lot of her lessons or words of advice I didn't really get but when I read this book it clicked. Granted I'm pretty sure I need to reread this novel a few times for it to properly sink in but I like how it makes being seem easy. No hard work or effort is required from the individual albeit it still seems difficult...and that is what confuses me.

In his novel Tolle states that ego and awareness cannot coexist. A relief to know but when I truly started seeing my ego for what it really is I'm quiet disappointed. When did I become like this? I, who have prided myself as not defining each element of myself, find that in fact I have been doing it all along. In a less blatant manner but still part of the act. To see how much I depend, value and feed my ego is actually disgusting. How did I become so judgemental? When did I start to base my like or dislike of an individual based on their appearance and justify it as not liking their "vibe" or "energy"? This bothers me to no end. One of my self-defined traits is that I remain consistent in behaviour and being in all environments but clearly that is not the case. I have rather manifested being open, sociable, non-judging and friendly in work environments (this was a conscious decision I made to position myself optimally) but not in my own time. What the fuck? When this superiority / inferiority complex come to be? Most likely a defence mechanism I have developed but I'd rather not focus on a "traumatic incident from childhood that has moulded me and is the root of all my problems" as most psychologists say. That is such bullshit. Yes experiences have made you what you are today but identifying and blaming it serves you no salvation but rather further suffering.

I have never had an issue caring what people think about me. Honestly I couldn't give a fuck what you think (not in a rude way; just is). I have always cared too much of what I think of me. I'm not sure which is worse. The thing is that you can never live up to the expectations of others let alone the unrealistic expectations you have of yourself and even if you do your ego is still there to remind and reprimand you how even that is still not good enough. And on that dreary note we shall end – I've got to get back to work.