Halcyon

January 2, 2018

Happy New Years! I wrote 2017 in the title before I realized....

I've been distant from writing in this because I found myself constantly writing about things I believe in rather than memories and things I've been up to. When I do that I fear major judgement from the internet on how I choose to view life and live my own. However, it kind of sucks that I fear judgement because I shouldn't be afraid to express my views and such. I shouldn't be attacked for those sorts of things but I fear it. So before you read on, keep in mind that I am one person. My thoughts are different than yours, we are two completely different people coming from two completely different backgrounds. Thank you for sticking with me and not flipping the table.

I'm extremely passionate about nearly everything. I have a huge heart and it goes out to so many things and people. If I'm into things, my whole heart gets dedicated. I've found that for me it creates a bunch of anger. Eight times out of ten if I start a fight with you it's because I'm passionate about you, and I expect greatness of you because I know you're capable of it. I can't help it. I know what great looks like and I know every single person and thing has the potential to be it. The power is within itself. I expect a lot out of my friends. I get very protective and nurturing, which everyone refers to me as 'moming' them. It's just an instinct I have. It also creates this "anger" in me because like I said, I want everyone in my life to be amazing because I know they can be.

I've taken a bunch of time to myself, my thoughts, and a little bit of music. I want to decide what's next for me. There's a bunch of life changing decisions right around the corner for me. 2019 my life completely flips upside down, and I have no idea how to grab the reins or where to go from here. All of a sudden everything around me has become a competition. Friendships, college, family. It's a little overwhelming but I'm not going to waste your time complaining about it. I've just kind of been sitting back contemplating how I can take all this pressure and strive from it. How can I use these obstacles to shoot myself higher? So far I haven't found many answers and I'm almost convince that there isn't really a definite answer. I think you just kind of have to life your life to the fullest, keep your head up, and fight for yourself. I'm starting to realize this entire thing is starting to sound like my "quotes" board on Pinterest, but stay with me.

My future is sooooo close and it's actually scaring everything out of me. Honestly, who isn't scared of their future though? If you aren't, Hey I wish I was you because it is not fun. I've been brainstorming possible careers for myself for years and I haven't been too successful. For years the only thing that's came back to me is the Army. I have such a respect for everyone in it, and all the other branches. Like wow...you continue to amaze me daily. My brother is an Airman and it completely changed his entire life. He went from a little juvenile teenager to the most incredible and respectable man I've ever met, and he's only been in the Air Force three years. I feel like experiencing the military teaches you so much about life. It creates such incredible people that I look up to.

On another topic, friends. My social life lately has been at a bare minimum. I'm not really sure what happened I've just been spending a lot of time on my own. I let my best friend slip from under me in May/June and I haven't been able to forgive myself since. That was the girl I told everything to, did everything with. I let anger and terrible priorities get the best of me. I've taken a step backwards because I just can't see myself having that sort of friendship with anyone for a long time. I tried but it hurt too much, so I decided to stick to myself for a while until I can get over the hump. Plus you have all those people who claim they have "no one in their life." PSA if I ever did anything for you, and you say that...screw you. That's a huge middle finger to the face of someone who gave you their time of day. Ungrateful is what you are. Open your eyes and recognize that there's always someone. Don't throw them in the dark and say everyone in your life is so fake and never there for you.

Anyways, I'm ready to go watch some Friends and go to bed honestly so I'm gonna wrap this up. Just wanted to let y'all know that I am living and I'm doing fine. Quiet and staying to myself, but I'm doing fine. I'm not even sure if half of this makes any sense but whatever. It felt so good to get out.