For, Elliot

11

I left Elliot's house after. I was angry at him. It was stupid of me, and I was acting like a child, but I was frustrated. At him and myself. I was upset. Mad that he was leaving, going off just because he couldn't handle being next to me now. I was mad that he managed to wriggle himself into my memory and heart. I was mad that I couldn't accept him into my life, all because of my fear of being ashamed. Judged by others. I was being weak. But of course I would be, it was an initial reaction. This is new. Scary.

Before I left, I told Elliot I didn't have the courage to say "I love you" back.

"But that would be extremely unfair of me to expect that from you." He whispered.

I clench the steering wheel, the tears slipping.

What did he want from me? What could I do to make him stay? If I made him stay would anything change? Probably not...and that's why Elliot wants to leave. He knows that I'll still treat him like shit, because I won't ever want to be public with him even when college is over.
It'll probably be forever until I am comfortable walking close to him on the street, maybe even another decade after before I can hold hands with him.

Would we ever see each other again?

The thought makes my stomach twist.

It's no question that Elliot wouldn't stay by my side the whole time supporting me. Of course he would. He always would.

Could we ever have a future?

...

Would he wait for me?

——————
Months pass. Elliot never showed up to a single day of class. But he kept his word like he always did. He wouldn't leave until graduation at the end of the year. It was only then did he show up, only then did I see him.

He showed up, but he never did the ceremony. He was in the audience.

We all wore our black robes and hats, and the school band played Pomp and Circumstance. We lined up, stood on the stage and took our turns receiving our scrolls. I sat down after mine, clutching my paper. I didn't care for it then, the only thing I cared about was the boy sitting in the audience, the only one who came to support me at my last year of high school.

My father and mother were busy, doing whatever they had to do. Explaining that signing Penn's documents was enough, and that my graduation ceremony was just icing on the cake.

We locked eyes. He looked tired, but he watched me the whole time. His eyes were shining, and I felt tears starting to slide down my cheeks.

He looked proud.

The ceremony ended after another hour or so. I met Elliot after, running towards him, the fabric fluttering behind me, and he smiled a sad smile as he watched me rush towards him. He held his arms out, and for once it felt so natural to fall into him.

"I'm leaving soon." He says against my hair.

"I know" I breathe. I pull back, embarrassed. At the same time, hating that I cared at all.

Elliot seemed to read me. He smiled at me when we finally met eyes again.

"I love you." He says quietly.

"I know." I whisper softly.

He smirks then, something that suits him well too.

"How Star Wars of us." He murmurs. "But you would never make a good Han Solo."

For once in a long time, I laugh.

Then Elliot steps close to me, and suddenly I'm hugging him for all I'm worth.
We don't say goodbye, but he manages to press a kiss on my neck quickly before spinning and heading off towards a mint green car.

Adam comes out then, and he laughs about how time flew by so fast, and that he couldn't wait to start college.

"Just imagine. First division soccer for Penn. Damn." He whispers.

I watch Elliot step into the car.

Adam catches my stare. "Is that Elliot?" He asks.

"Yeah."

I expect Adam to say something snarky, and I prepare to defend Elliot, but the insult never comes. Adam gazes off just like me, and for once Adam respects him, after all Elliot has done.

It would be a long time before I saw Elliot Chesterfield again.

—————

Months go by again. A year rolls by me somehow, and Adam was right. Time did fly by quickly.

We were in college. I was gone. Free from my parents and my old life. I got to start over and have a fresh slate.

We finished our classes this morning, immediately going to practice after. I never realized how much of my time was committed to soccer now. We have a great coach, he pushes us hard, but it's tough love.

Adam clapped me on the back. I still can't believe that we are still best friends. Most people come and go. But we stuck together. Hopefully we always would.