Youth Unsupervised

Chapter 19-Silent Prayers

My parents returned home for a few weeks in early December, with my mother arriving a few days before my father, which happened occasionally when their work schedules didn't match up exactly. It was still just as awkward. I think I probably said less than twenty words to her the whole time she was there and even less to my father when he arrived.

Saki didn't visit while they were at home, so I honestly couldn't wait for them to go. I still saw Saki at school and on the weekends when we did one of those normal high school activities that she said was a waste of time. She could say that all she wanted. I knew better. I caught her from time to time dropping her guard and really enjoying herself. I never called her out on these times, just simply smile to myself. 

At some point, merely seeing her in the daytime was not enough to satisfy me anymore. This became readily apparent to me when my parents were visiting and Saki didn't sneak into my bed at all. I woke up every day during those early weeks in December feeling like a piece of me was missing. It really wasn't good. I was holding on too tight, depending too much on her presence. It was just going to burn me in the end.

When my parents finally left and Saki started showing up at night again, it was like finally being able to breathe after being held under water. It took so much effort not to reach out to her the first night she returned. I lay staring at her outline in the bed after she fell asleep. It felt wrong to do so, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. When she rolled over and her fingers found their way to my outstretched arm, I did not pull away. Not good.

The three of us decided to spend Christmas Eve together, because obviously, none of us had dates. Hiromasa showed up early, kicked off his shoes and took off his coat in the entrance way, then followed me to the kitchen. He peered over my shoulder while I whisked some honey and soy sauce together.

"What are you making?" he asked.

"A glaze for fried chicken bites." I jabbed his chest with the handle of the whisk. "Back up. I can barely move with you hovering like that."

"Wow. You've really gotten into this cooking thing, huh?" He stuck his finger into the bowl and put it in his mouth. "This is really good."

I glared at him.

"Don't worry." He grinned. "I've got clean hands."

I growled.

He put his hands up and backed away until his back hit the island. "Sorry. Sorry. I'll stay out of the way."

I went back to finishing the sauce and draining the oil from the fried chicken. Hiromasa was quiet for a while. His voice was low and serious when he spoke again.

"Hey, Kaito. I need to tell you something."

I turned to look at him. He was gripping the island behind him and staring at the floor. He only ever got this serious when he talked about Saki.

"On New Year's Eve, I've decided I'm going to confess to Saki." He looked up and met my eyes.

I was silent for a minute. I didn't know what to say. My chest felt tight and I wasn't really sure why. It's not like it would do any good for him to say anything to her, right?

"Good luck," I said, finally.

I really wish I meant those words, that I could be one of those people who had that selfless outlook. "As long as they're both happy," people like that would say, but I could hear a tiny, dark voice in the back of my head wishing for his failure. I didn't really believe she would pick anyone, but if she did, it had to be me. She wouldn't be happy with him. I couldn't accept that. He would never understand her the way I did. She wasn't ever going to open up to him the way she had with me. He didn't know how to handle the rage inside of her. If it was anyone, it had to be me.